Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind.

Love isn’t a single chemical but it does involve powerful chemicals in your body. When people say “love is just chemicals,” that’s oversimplified. Love is a complex emotional and psychological experience, but it’s strongly influenced by brain chemistry.

Here are the main chemicals involved:

1. Dopamine — the reward chemical

This is linked to pleasure, motivation, and craving. When you’re attracted to someone, dopamine spikes, which is why love can feel exciting, addictive, and energising.

2. Oxytocin — the bonding hormone

Often called the “love hormone.” It’s released during physical touch, cuddling, sex, and even deep conversation. It helps create feelings of trust, attachment, and emotional closeness.

3. Vasopressin — attachment chemical

Plays a role in long-term bonding and pair attachment, especially in committed relationships.

4. Serotonin — mood regulator (also influences sleep, appetite, digestion and cognition)

Serotonin activity (or “signalling”) can shift during early romantic attraction, which may explain why you obsessively think about someone in the early stages.

5. Adrenaline & norepinephrine

These create the physical symptoms: racing heart, sweaty palms, butterflies.

Love isn’t just chemistry — but chemistry is part of how your brain creates the feeling. Think of it like this:

• Chemicals are the mechanism.
• Love is the experience.

Being “in love” isn’t always a big, dramatic lightning-bolt moment. It’s usually a mix of feelings, attachment, and a steady choice to be with someone. Here are some signs that often point to real love rather than just attraction or a crush:

1. You care about who they are, not just how they make you feel

You genuinely admire their character, values and quirks — even their flaws. You’re not just chasing the excitement; you actually like them as a person.

2. Their happiness matters to you

You want good things for them, even when it doesn’t directly benefit you. When they’re struggling, it affects you too.

3. You feel safe being yourself

You don’t feel like you have to put on an act. You can be honest, vulnerable and imperfect, and still feel accepted.

4. You naturally think long-term

When you picture the future, they’re in it — not because you’re forcing it, but because it just feels right.

5. It’s not only intense — it’s steady

A crush can feel all butterflies and nerves.
Love often feels calmer underneath it all — grounded, warm and secure.

6. You choose them

Even on the ordinary days. Even when they annoy you a bit. Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a consistent decision to stay connected. A couple of questions you might ask yourself:

• If the excitement settled down, would I still want them around?
• Do I respect them?
• Do I feel more like myself with them — or less?

Love doesn’t always feel dramatic. Sometimes it’s quiet and steady — and that can be just as real.

The phrase “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean” is all about the balance between honesty and kindness in communication.

Here’s what it means:

• “Say what you mean”:
  Be clear and truthful. Express your real thoughts and feelings. Don’t beat around the bush or pretend to agree when you don’t.
• “But don’t say it mean”:
  Speak with kindness and respect. Even when you’re being honest or giving criticism, there’s no need to be rude, hurtful, or aggressive.

Why it matters:

This phrase promotes healthy communication. It’s a reminder that:

• You can be honest without being harsh.
• Tone and delivery matter just as much as the words.
• Empathy and respect should guide your conversations—even when it’s hard.

‘The stages of change model’ was developed by Prochaska and DiClemente. Heard of them? It informs the development of brief and ongoing intervention strategies by providing a framework for what interventions/strategies are useful for particular individuals. Practitioners need an understanding of which ‘stage of change’ a person is in so that the most appropriate strategy for the individual client is selected.

There are five common stages within the Stages of Change model and a 6th known as “relapse”:

1. In the precontemplation stage, the person is either unaware of a problem that needs to be addressed OR aware of it but unwilling to change the problematic behaviour [or a behaviour they want to change. It does not always have to be labelled as “problematic”].

2. This is followed by a contemplation stage, characterized by ambivalence regarding the problem behaviour and in which the advantages and disadvantages of the behaviour, and of changing it, are evaluated, leading in many cases to decision-making.

3. In the preparation stage, a resolution to change is made, accompanied by a commitment to a plan of action. It is not uncommon for an individual to return to the contemplation stage or stay in the preparation stage for a while, for many reasons.

4. This plan is executed in the action stage, in which the individual engages in activities designed to bring change about and in coping with difficulties that arise.

5. If successful action is sustained, the person moves to the maintenance stage, in which an effort is made to consolidate the changes that have been made. Once these changes have been integrated into the lifestyle, the individual exits from the stages of change.

6. Relapse, however, is common, and it may take several journeys around the cycle of change, known as “recycling”, before change becomes permanent i.e., a lifestyle change; a sustainable change.

(Adapted from Heather & Honekopp, 2017)