Processing Trauma in the Body

Low self-worth is one of those things almost everyone has heard of, but it’s often misunderstood. It’s not simply “not liking yourself” — it’s a deeper, often quiet belief that you’re somehow not enough: not good enough, not lovable enough, not worthy of good things. This belief can shape how a person thinks, feels, behaves, and connects with others, sometimes without them even realising it’s happening.

This article walks through what low self-worth can look like, how it tends to develop, why it’s not always the explanation for a behaviour it might seem to explain, and what genuinely helps.

What Does Low Self-Worth Actually Look Like?

Low self-worth doesn’t show up in just one way — it tends to ripple across several areas of a person’s life.

In the way someone thinks

• A harsh inner voice that’s quick to blame and slow to forgive
• Black-and-white thinking about their own worth (“I’m a failure” rather than “that didn’t go well”)
• Brushing off compliments or achievements (“I just got lucky”)
• Constantly comparing themselves to others, usually unfavourably

In how someone feels

• A background hum of shame or guilt that isn’t tied to anything specific
• Anxiety in situations where they feel judged or evaluated
• Taking criticism much harder than the moment probably warrants
• Struggling to feel like they deserve good things — joy, rest, success

In how someone behaves

• People-pleasing, and real trouble saying no
• Avoiding challenges for fear of failing in front of others
• Perfectionism, partly as a way to dodge criticism before it happens
• Overcompensating — bragging, chasing status, or over-achieving to cover up insecurity underneath
• Self-sabotage, like procrastinating or quitting before they can “fail properly”
• Over-apologising, even when nothing’s actually their fault

In relationships

• Putting up with disrespectful or unequal treatment
• Needing frequent reassurance from others
• Trouble setting or holding boundaries
• Pulling away from people to avoid the risk of being rejected

Physically

• Guarded body language, poor posture, avoiding eye contact
• Neglecting self-care, sometimes because they don’t feel “worth the effort”

Worth remembering: none of these signs are exclusive to low self-worth. They overlap with anxiety, depression, trauma responses, and other things going on for a person. It’s the overall pattern — and the story underneath it — that matters, not any single item on this list.

Where Does It Come From?

Low self-worth is very often learned rather than something a person is simply born with — which is actually good news, because what’s learned can also be unlearned.

Watching the adults around us Kids learn a lot about how to treat themselves by watching how the important adults in their life treat themselves. A parent who’s constantly self-critical or dismissive of their own needs is teaching a child a template, even without saying a word directly to them.

Love and attention that come with strings attached If approval or affection is only given for achievement, appearance, or good behaviour, a child can learn that their worth depends on ticking boxes — rather than being something they simply have, no strings attached.

Being told directly Repeated criticism, shaming, or put-downs from parents, teachers, or peers get absorbed, especially in childhood before a person has the tools to separate “someone said this about me” from “this is true about me.”

Early relationships with caregivers Inconsistent, neglectful, or dismissive caregiving is strongly linked to a shaky sense of self-worth in adulthood — the underlying logic often being something like, “if the people meant to care for me didn’t, maybe I’m not worth caring for.”

Peers and wider social environments Bullying, exclusion, and highly competitive or comparison-heavy environments — including social media — can teach the same lesson outside the family entirely.

Broader social messaging Cultural narratives around race, gender, body type, class, or ability can also send repeated messages of lesser worth, reinforced across many different settings over time.

Why It’s Not Always the Explanation

It’s tempting, once you’re aware of low self-worth as a concept, to see it everywhere. But plenty of behaviours that look like they’re about self-worth are actually about something else entirely — or several other things at once.

Take a few common examples:

• Substance use can be tangled up with self-worth (numbing shame or a harsh inner critic), but addiction is genuinely shaped by many factors — genetics, brain chemistry, trauma, mental health conditions, and environment all play a real part.
• Having few or no friends might reflect low self-worth (believing you’re not worth others’ time), but it could just as easily be social anxiety, depression, being naturally introverted, or simply preferring one’s own company. The key difference is usually the story underneath — does the person want connection and feel blocked by fear, or is being alone genuinely fine by them?
• Coming across as arrogant or superior is often assumed to be a mask for hidden insecurity — and sometimes it is. But it’s worth being cautious here, because this assumption can become impossible to disprove (“if they’re arrogant, they’re secretly insecure; if they’re humble, that confirms it too”). Sometimes confidence is just confidence.
• Frequent casual sex or a high number of partners doesn’t automatically point to low self-worth either. For many people, this is simply how they’ve chosen to structure their sex life, without any distress or underlying insecurity attached. What matters more is the function the behaviour seems to serve for that particular person — for example, someone who says they need to tell others about their experiences afterward specifically “to feel validated” is giving you a much clearer signal than the behaviour itself would.

The takeaway: self-worth is worth holding as a hypothesis to test with a person, rather than assumed from the outside based on how something looks.

What Actually Helps

If low self-worth is at the heart of things, here’s what tends to make a genuine difference — not overnight, but over time.

1. Notice and challenge the inner critic Pay attention to the specific language your mind uses about you. Often it’s harsher and more sweeping than how you’d ever speak to someone else. Try the “friend test”: would you say this to someone you cared about? If not, that’s a sign of distortion, not truth. It also helps to separate the behaviour from the self — “that didn’t go well” instead of “I’m hopeless.”

2. Loosen the strings attached to your worth Notice what your sense of worth currently depends on — achievement, appearance, being liked, being productive. Then start building small experiences of worth that aren’t tied to those things: resting without earning it, being liked without performing. This is slow, quiet work, but it’s often the real target.

3. Build evidence, not just insight Small, doable actions build a track record of competence over time — self-worth grows partly through lived proof, not just understanding. Avoiding challenges or social situations might feel safer, but it also blocks the very experiences that could prove the harsh self-view wrong.

4. Practise boundaries Struggling to say no, or putting up with poor treatment, is common with low self-worth. Practising small boundaries — even minor ones — can genuinely shift things, not just relieve symptoms temporarily. Pay attention to the fear beforehand versus what actually happens afterward; they’re often quite different.

5. Try self-compassion rather than self-esteem Self-compassion doesn’t require feeling good about yourself — it just means relating to yourself kindly, especially when things are hard. That’s often a far more achievable starting point than trying to force positive self-regard from a standing start. Remembering that struggling is part of being human (not a personal failing) is a big part of this.

6. Pay attention to relationships If low self-worth was shaped by relationships, it often needs relationships to help un-shape it too — this is part of why therapy, and a genuinely supportive relationship, tends to work better than self-help alone. Where possible, it also helps to reduce contact with people or environments that actively reinforce the negative self-view.

7. Shift from approval to values Instead of asking “what will make people think well of me,” try asking “what actually matters to me.” This shift — living by your own values rather than by anticipated approval — reduces the constant self-monitoring that keeps worth tied to outside opinion.

A Final Note

Self-worth work is rarely quick, and it’s rarely a straight line. It’s more like slowly rebuilding a belief system than fixing one single thought. Old patterns will likely resurface here and there — that’s not a sign the work isn’t working, it’s just part of how deeply learned beliefs unwind over time.

If this sounds familiar to you personally, it’s worth having a conversation with a psychologist or therapist — someone who can help you work out what’s underneath the patterns, and support you through actually shifting them.

Inattentional Blindness is the failure to notice an unexpected object in a visual display.

Cognitive Psychology is an approach to understanding human cognition by observing behaviour of people performing cognitive tasks. It is concerned with the internal processes involved in making sense of our environment, and deciding what behaviour to be appropriate. These processes include attention, perception, learning, memory, language, problem-solving, reasoning, and thinking.

The most famous experiment that shows evidence for inattentional blindness is the Simons and Chabris (1999) experiment where an audience or viewer watches a group of people pass a ball to one another wearing either black or white, and a woman dressed as a gorilla enters the frame for 9 seconds, then walks off. Results reported that 50% of the observers did not notice the gorilla enter the frame. In all honesty, when I saw the video for the first time at university, I did not see the gorilla enter the frame either.

In reality, we are often aware of changes in our visual environment because we detect motion cues accompanying the change. This information suggests that our ability to detect visual changes is not only due to the detection of movement. An obvious explanation of the gorilla experiment findings is that the visual representations we form in our mind are sparse and incomplete because they depend on our limited attentional focus. Simons and Rensick (2005) point out that there are other explanations, such as: detailed and complete representations may exist initially but may either decay rapidly or be overwritten by a subsequent stimulus. It needs to be said that in the gorilla experiment, the observers are instructed to count how many times the ball passes, so really, our attention is deliberately compromised. The real-life implications of inattentional blindness reveals the role of selective attention in human perception. Inattentional blindness represents a consequence of this critical process that allows us to remain focused on important aspects of our world without distraction from seemingly irrelevant objects and events.

Being present, in the moment (mindfulness) can help aid our attention. Distractions such as using our mobile phones, advertising material, other people, “multi-tasking” and internal emotional states all contribute to our lack of focus and attention. Think of a magician’s ability to manipulate their audiences attention in order to prevent them from seeing how a trick is performed. There are also safety implications, as you would know … if you’ve been paying attention, haha.

Just food for thought, my readers, and friends 🙂