Dr Rangan Chatterjee chats with Dr Gabor Maté about his radical findings based on decades of work with patients. We’re currently living in a culture that doesn’t meet our human needs. Maté and Chatterjee delve into how our emotional stress can translate into physical chronic illnesses, and how loneliness and a lack of meaningful connection are on the rise, as are the rates of autoimmune disease and addiction.
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Comparison table of four relationship dependency types: Dependence, codependence, independence, and interdependence, across seven psychological characteristicsComparison table of four relationship dependency types: Dependence, codependence, independence, and interdependence, across seven psychological characteristics
| Characteristic | Dependence | Codependence | Independence | Interdependence |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Overall pattern | Unbalanced — reliant | Dysfunctional — enmeshed | Disconnected — isolated | Healthy — mutually supportive |
| Respect | Excessive deference to the other; own views and preferences are regularly abandoned to avoid conflict or disapproval | Respect is extended to the other at the direct expense of self-respect; personal autonomy and needs are consistently sacrificed | Self-respect is strong, but regard for others’ needs, feelings, or boundaries may be limited — a “my way” orientation | Genuine, mutual recognition of each person’s worth, needs, and autonomy; respect flows in both directions without self-erasure |
| Reciprocity | One-sided reliance — one person leans heavily; the other is often left carrying the emotional or practical load | Chronic one-sidedness: the codependent person gives and enables, while the other takes; sustained by the giver’s need to be needed | Little appetite for mutual exchange; interaction tends to be transactional or self-focused rather than genuinely reciprocal | Balanced give-and-take that flexes with circumstances; neither person keeps a tally, but both feel the exchange is broadly fair |
| Autonomy | Little or no independent decision-making; the dependent person habitually outsources choices, often due to anxiety or low self-efficacy | Autonomy is outsourced — the codependent’s sense of self is defined by, and contingent on, the other person’s state, needs, and approval | Strong individual autonomy, but exercised in ways that exclude or override others; autonomy as self-sufficiency rather than self-direction | Each person retains a secure, stable sense of self while choosing to share their life; autonomy and closeness are seen as compatible, not competing |
| Boundaries | Weak or absent; the dependent person struggles to assert needs or limits, often fearing rejection or abandonment if they do | Blurred or non-existent; emotional enmeshment is central — one person feels responsible for the other’s inner world and vice versa | Rigid and inflexible; protective walls rather than healthy limits, often rooted in avoidant attachment or past relational hurt | Clear, flexible, and openly negotiated; allow genuine intimacy and breathing room to coexist; adjusted as the relationship evolves |
| Communication | Marked by fear of expressing needs, disagreement, or vulnerability; communication is often indirect, placating, or suppressed | Frequently indirect, enabling, or controlling; may include people-pleasing, hinting, or managing the other person’s emotional state rather than direct dialogue | Reluctant to disclose personal matters or emotional needs; communication tends to be functional, guarded, or focused on problem-solving rather than connection | Open, honest, and emotionally safe; needs, feelings, and disagreements are expressed directly and received without fear of destabilising the relationship |
| Responsibility | Personal responsibility is ceded; the dependent person relies on the other to manage decisions, emotions, or practical life tasks | The codependent assumes responsibility for the other’s emotions, wellbeing, and behaviour — often enabling harm in the process; both people’s growth is stunted | Responsibility is taken for oneself but rarely sought or accepted collaboratively; help-seeking is resisted even when it would be adaptive | Responsibility is appropriately owned and shared; each person takes accountability for their own actions while supporting, but not managing, the other |
| Self-esteem | Fragile and externally anchored; feelings of worth are contingent on the other person’s approval, presence, or positive regard | Chronically low and outsourced; the codependent’s self-worth is tied to their caretaking role — they feel valuable only when they are needed or useful | Can appear high, but is often defended rather than genuine; may be maintained through achievement, self-sufficiency, or emotional distancing rather than authentic self-acceptance | Stable and internally grounded; does not depend on the partner’s approval or on performing a particular role; resilient to relational stress |
| Support | Constant and disproportionate support is sought; the dependent person struggles to self-soothe or function without frequent reassurance from the other | One party is chronically over-reliant on the other for emotional regulation; the codependent may also subtly require the other to remain dependent in order to feel needed | Support is rarely sought, even when genuinely needed; self-reliance is prioritised to the point of isolation, and vulnerability is experienced as threatening | Support is both offered and sought fluidly and appropriately; neither person feels burdened by the other’s needs, and both feel safe to ask for help |
Sources: APA Dictionary of Psychology (2023); Mental Health America; Rusbult & Van Lange, Annual Review of Psychology (2003); research on attachment theory, interdependence theory, and the “dependency paradox” (Feeney & Van Vleet). The goal state in healthy adult relationships is interdependence — not independence.
AIPC (2021). Busting Common Myths About Anger. Issue 355 // Institute Inbrief. Retrieved June 17, 2021.AIPC (2021). Busting Common Myths About Anger. Issue 355 // Institute Inbrief. Retrieved June 17, 2021.
All human beings experience anger at least occasionally. It’s a natural emotion helping us recognise that we or someone or something we care about has been violated or treated badly. When we feel threatened or our goals are thwarted, anger is a coping mechanism that enables us to act decisively, especially in situations where there is little time to reason things out. It can motivate problem-solving, goal-achievement, and the removing of threats. It serves a protective function and is not always a problem (Lowth, 2018; Stosny, 2020; Zega, 2009).
But anger is a complex emotion, and all too often manifests maladaptively in clients’ lives, when they perceive excessive need for protection, protect the “wrong” things, or use anger to thwart their longer-term best interests. The result is problem anger.
Perhaps because it is so multi-faceted, misperceptions about anger abound, and the question arises: how shall we regard anger? How do we advise the client to think about it? Folk wisdom often would say that the best thing to do is just let it all out, but is it? Clients complain that they cannot control it, that the tendency to be easily angered is inherited, but again, is there evidence for that? Here are common myths people tend to hold about anger, and factual statements following them that you can use to clarify for the client why learning to deal with problem anger is time well spent.
Myth 1: “Anger is inherited.”
This is the client that may try to claim that their father was short-tempered and they have inherited that trait from him, so there is nothing they can do. Such a stance implies an attitude that the expression of anger is a fixed, unalterable set of behaviours. Research shows, however, that expression of anger is learned, so if we have – say, through exposure to aggressive influential others, such as parents – learned to be violent in our expressions, we can also learn healthier, more appropriate, pro-social ways of dealing with it.
Myth 2: “Anger and aggression are the same thing.”
Fact: Nope. Anger is a felt emotional state. Aggression is a behaviour, sometimes carried out in response to anger, but not the same as it. A person can be angry, yet use healthy methods of expression without resorting to violence, threats, or other aggression. Anger does not always lead to aggression. In fact, some experts claim that most daily anger is not followed by aggression. When it does result in aggression the “I3 Model” (pronounced “I cubed”) is deemed responsible. This suggests that aggression emerges as a function of three interacting factors, which all begin with “I”:
Instigation, an event which instils an urge to aggress as a result of, say, being addressed rudely or learning that one’s partner has had an affair (or a relatively “minor” event, such as being cut off in traffic);
Impellance, meaning a force that increases the urge to act in response to an instigating stimulus. These could be strong hormonal releases or a belief system which says that the instigating event should not be tolerated, or even a sociocultural norm which demands that instigating stimuli be responded to immediately and harshly (such as punching back someone who has hit you);
Inhibition, referring to forces that typically work to counter aggression, such as cultural norms, awareness of negative consequences, or perspective-taking or empathy (Kassinove & Tafrate, 2019).
Myth 3: “Other people make me angry.”
Fact: How often in common parlance do we say things like, “He made me so angry!” or “You make me so mad I could kill you!”? Even though we may occasionally speak about people causing emotions other than anger, it is far more frequent to hear such statements in regard to anger. We can choose whether or not we let someone else’s behaviour make us happy, sad, or something else, but we often think and talk about it as if anger is caused directly by others. With the undiscerning listener, an angry person thus gets to use anger as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. Ultimately, it is not the other person’s behaviour that causes our anger, and in fact, it’s not even their intention, though that may influence our behaviour. Being precise, we must acknowledge that it is our interpretation of their intention, expressed in their behaviour/language, which is causative.
Myth 4: “I shouldn’t hold anger in; it’s better to let it out” (either by venting or catharsis).
Fact: If by “holding it in” someone means that they suppress anger, it’s true; ignoring it won’t make it go away and squashing it down is not a healthy choice. Neither, however, is venting. Blowing up in an aggressive tirade only fuels the fire, reinforcing the problem anger. Ditto the use of pillow-punching or other means of catharsis; this may come as a surprise to therapists trained a few years ago, when catharsis was an anger management technique in good standing. Now researchers have found that, even though we feel better in the moment after hitting something, our brain notices, subtly changing its wiring. Then the next time we are angry it softly whispers, “Hit something; you’ll feel better”. The time after that, the wiring is stronger in the brain towards a hitting catharsis, and the angry-brain-voice speaks a little louder. Continuing in this vein means that eventually, we could decide to hit something more alive than a pillow. Rather than either angry venting or catharsis is the use of skills to manage the angry impulse.
Myth 5: “Anger, aggression, and intimidation help me to earn respect and get what I want.”
Fact: People may be afraid of a bully, but they don’t respect those who cannot control themselves or deal with opposing viewpoints. Communicating respectfully is a far superior way to get (most) people to listen and accommodate one’s needs. While the momentary power that comes with successful intimidation may feel heady in the moment, it does not help build the healthy relationships that most people coming to counselling yearn to have.
Myth 6: Anger affects only a certain category of people.
Fact: Anger is a universal emotion that affects everyone. It does not discriminate against people of any particular age, nationality, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, education, or religion. It is tempting for some people in the educated middle classes to believe that anger is more prevalent among the poor, or those who are less educated or lacking in social skills. Reality does not bear this out, although the expressions of anger do vary among different social groups. Remember, anger is just an emotion, one which does not make people “good” or “bad” for having it.
Myth 7: “I can’t help myself. Anger isn’t something you can control.”
We don’t always get to control the situations of our lives, and some of them may trigger our anger. In fact, it’s also agreed by experts that we don’t (in the short-term) control whether we have angry feelings or not; they just come – although there are longer-term ways to work with clients that see them less easily provoked, and therefore less prone to have the experience of anger. What we do have the short-term choice to control is how we express that anger. Continuing in sessions with you (the therapist) for the purpose of learning how to better handle anger means having more choices of response, even in highly provocative situations.
Myth 8: “When I’m angry I will say what I really mean.”
Fact: This is rarely true. Uncontrolled angry expressions are more about gaining control of or hurting others, not saying what a person’s deepest truth is.
Myth 9: “By not saying what I’m thinking in the moment, I’m being dishonest and will be even angrier later.”
Fact: There is a strong pull to “speak our mind” when angry. But it is at this time that a person’s judgment is most severely flawed. To speak from anger is to allow the impulsive part of the brain to overrule the rational part. Better for relationships, career, and pretty much everything else to wait until that reasoning part can regain control.
Myth 10: “Men are angrier than women.”
Fact: The sexes experience the same amount of anger, says research; they just express it differently. Men often use aggressive tactics and expressions, whereas women (often constrained culturally) more frequently choose indirect means of expression, such as found in passive-aggressive tactics. This could mean getting back at someone by talking negatively about them or cutting them out of their lives (categories adapted from: Therapist Aid LLC, 2016; Segal & Smith, 2018; Morin, 2015; Morrow, n.d.; Better Relationships, 2021; Gallagher, 2001).
Thought for reflection
Anger has many facets to it, and we have introduced some information here that may seem either startling or counterintuitive. As you think back over the myths we just debunked, which aspect has surprised you the most? Do you have any sense of why that might be? One woman, for example, was very surprised to hear that “men are angrier than women” was only considered a myth; it turned out that in her family, women “never got angry” (we hypothesise that perhaps they were socialised to not show anger), and the men got angry all the time (perhaps more allowed in that woman’s family/culture). In what ways, if at all, might your views about anger have shaped how you behave? How you respond to others?
And here’s the ultimate question if you share this material with a client: what are their responses to the above questions? How might hearing these myths help them seek more adaptive ways to deal with problem anger?
The upcoming Mental Health Academy course, “Helping Clients Deal with Problem Anger” draws from numerous therapies and neuroscience to help clinicians and clients collaboratively create a program to address each client’s unique challenges with this universal human emotion.
References:
- Better Relationships. (2021). Common myths about anger. Anglicare Southern Queensland. Retrieved on 13 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Gallagher, E. (2001). Anger. eddiegallagher.com.au. Retrieved on 13 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Kassinove, H., & Tafrate, R.C. (2019). The practitioner’s guide to anger management: Customizable interventions, treatments, and tools for clients with problem anger. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
- Lowth, M. (2018). Anger management. Patient. Retrieved on 7 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Morin, A. (2015). 7 myths about anger and why they’re wrong. Psychology Today. Retrieved on 13 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Morrow, A. (n.d.). Anger myths. Stress and Anger Management Institute. Retrieved on 13 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Segal, J., & Smith, M. (2018). Anger management: Tips and techniques for getting anger under control. Helpguide.org. Retrieved on 9 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Stosny, S. (2020). Beyond anger management. Psychology Today. Retrieved on 9 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Therapist Aid, LLC. (2016). Anger warning signs. Therapist Aid LLC. Retrieved on 7 April, 2021, from: Website.
- Zega, K. (2009). Holistic Psychotherapy (159). Retrieved on 7 April, 2021, from: Website.
Maybe you should Talk to SomeoneMaybe you should Talk to Someone
Author: Lori Gottlieb
Maybe you should talk to someone is a genuine, funny, touching, and realistic memoir of one therapist, as she navigates a difficult time in her professional and personal life. I couldn’t put this book down. As a therapeutic counsellor myself, the book gave me a greater understanding of psychology and human behaviour. It is a vulnerable portrayal of a renowned psychotherapist, her therapist, and the clients lives that she discusses in the book – and how they influence her life. If you have any preconceived bias about the therapy profession, this book might give you a new perspective. I laughed whole-heartedly and I blinked back the tears on one occasion. I’m really pleased I read Maybe You Should Talk About Someone. If you’re a busy person, the audio version may be more practical for you.