Same-sex dating challenges when you’re over 30

Shame is a complex and powerful (“contracting” and belittling) emotion that can have a significant impact on our mental health and how we navigate the world and interact with people. It often stems from feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or embarrassment about certain aspects of ourselves or our actions. This may not mean much to you right now … but that is all bullshit. I have worked with many people experiencing extreme toxic shame, and they are intrinsically beautiful people. Understanding the root causes of toxic shame is an essential first step in creating a healthy relationship with it. It’s crucial to recognize that experiencing shame is a universal human experience, and it does not define your worth as a person. Oftentimes, our shame is a projection of what we believe other people think about us, or it is an internalised belief (script, attitude etc.) that we learned from painful and scary life experiences. I want to preface the following by acknowledging that shame can be healthy. Without shame, we may develop unhealthy levels of egotism, narcissism, arrogance, and superiority.

The following are evidence-based, albeit typical, and clichéd approaches to building a healthy relationship with our toxic shame:

Challenge Negative Thoughts

One effective way to overcome shame is to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs that contribute to feelings of shame. This can feel exhausting! To be constantly vigilantly of our thinking, hence, noticing and letting thoughts stream through the mind will be necessary here. In 12-step fellowships, they would suggest to “let the go” and “hand them over”. For example, saying to yourself “This is not for me right now and I’ll hand it over to the universe just for now”. We do not always have the energy to challenge our negative thoughts. You can ‘compartmentalise them’, or say, “not right now”, or even say “thank you for making me aware of this and I may reflect on this when I have more time”. Challenging negative thoughts involves identifying and questioning the critical inner voice that fuels self-criticism and self-doubt. By practicing self-compassion and cultivating a more positive self-image, you can begin to counteract the destructive effects of shame. If you want someone to talk to about these issues, please call me: 0488 555 731.

Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion (and kindness) is a key component of overcoming shame. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar struggles. Underpinning our shame is a profound fear that we will be rejected i.e., lose a job, be ignored by friends, lack confidence to make meaningful connections and intimacy. Acknowledge your imperfections without harsh judgment and remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect. We don’t often see others’ imperfections, and when we do, we think theirs are tolerable or not that bad compared to ours. Developing self-compassion can help us build resilience in the face of shame and cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself. I say again, every client I have worked with has shown me their absolute beautifulness by talking about their imperfections and showing me their self.

Seek Support

It’s essential to reach out for support when dealing with shame. This can be terrifying – paralysing even – and many people have reached out in the past and the outcome has made us feel even worse. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or counsellor can provide valuable perspective and validation. Sharing your feelings of shame with others can help you feel less isolated and alone in your struggles. Additionally, professional help can offer guidance and strategies for coping with shame in a healthy way.

Cultivate Self-Acceptance

Practicing self-acceptance involves embracing all aspects of yourself, including those that may trigger feelings of shame. Recognize that nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. By accepting your vulnerabilities and imperfections, you can reduce the power that shame holds over you. Embrace your humanity and treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

Engage in Positive Activities

Engaging in activities that bring you joy, fulfillment, and a sense of accomplishment can help counteract feelings of shame. Pursue hobbies, interests, or goals that boost your self-esteem and remind you of your strengths and capabilities. Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift you and encourage your personal growth.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness techniques can be beneficial in managing feelings of shame. By staying present in the moment without judgment, you can observe your thoughts and emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. Mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga can help you develop greater self-awareness and emotional resilience.

Top 3 Authoritative Sources Used:

1. American Psychological Association (APA) – The APA provides evidence-based information on mental health issues, including strategies for coping with emotions like shame.
2. Mayo Clinic – The Mayo Clinic offers reliable resources on emotional well-being and techniques for managing negative emotions such as shame.
3. Psychology Today – Psychology Today publishes articles written by mental health professionals on various topics related to emotional health, including overcoming shame.

These strategies, actions, and ways of thinking will take practice, practice, and more practice. It is not easy. Based on my own experience, I needed a group of people on my path who I could rely on and practice with many times over, and then I started practising on my own. I still connect with the people living my recovery. I take breaks from them when I need to, but I always reconnect because loneliness will breed more shame. Please call 0488 555 731 if you need my support.

Supporting someone who’s having thoughts of suicide is one of the most important, and at times most challenging, parts of a support persons role. People who experience suicidality can vary from passing ideas to serious planning and often come from a place of deep emotional pain. We all have a duty to respond with care, compassion, and an attempt to understand the experience in a way that keeps safety at the heart of every conversation.

Firstly, if you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please know that you’re not broken or beyond help. These thoughts often come when emotional pain feels unbearable and we can’t see a way out. But things can shift, and help is available. We may spend much of our time alone, and we can feel alone even in a crowded room, but you are not alone in this. Suicidality is not uncommon.

The Numbers Today

According to the latest figures (ABS, 2023):

Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians aged 15 to 44.

In 2022, over 3,100 people died by suicide—about 8.6 deaths each day.

Men account for 75% of those deaths, though women attempt suicide more often (but less often fatally).

According to the Black Dog Institute, roughly 65,000 Australians attempt suicide each year, while around 3,200 die by suicide annually.

Rates among Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples are more than double the national average.

People living in rural and remote areas face higher suicide risks due to isolation, limited services, and other pressures.

Why Does the Mind Think About Suicide?

From a humanistic psychology point of view, suicidal thoughts are not signs of illness or failure, they are a deep emotional signal that something in your life or environment needs care, change, or healing.

Each person and living creature on the planet are inherently worthy, with an innate drive to survive, grow, connect, and for humans, find meaning. When life feels full of suffering, such as grief, isolation, trauma, shame, or hopelessness, the mind may start to believe that death is the only way to stop the pain.

In this view, suicidal thoughts are often not about wanting to die—but about wanting the pain to stop.

They arise when:

You feel disconnected from others or from yourself.

You feel stuck in circumstances that seem unchangeable.

You believe your worth or purpose has been lost.

You’re exhausted from holding on or pretending you’re okay.

But the humanistic perspective also holds this powerful truth: you are more than your pain, and within you is a capacity for healing, choice, and change, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Treat Yourself with Compassion, Not Criticism

It’s easy to get caught in a spiral of self-blame. But you are not weak or selfish. You are a human being who is hurting—and just like you wouldn’t shame someone for being in physical pain, you deserve the same care when your pain is emotional.

Ask yourself:

If someone I loved felt this way, what would I want them to know?

Then try to offer yourself the same kindness.

Reach Out – Connection Saves Lives

Talking to someone can ease the intensity of what you’re feeling. You don’t have to explain everything. Just saying, “I’m not okay right now,” is enough to start.

Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636

13YARN (Support for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples): 13 92 76

QLife – National LGBTQIA+ Peer Support and Referral Service: 1800 184 527

Hours: 3pm – Midnight (local time), every day

What they offer: Confidential, non-judgemental, and inclusive support from trained LGBTQIA+ peer workers. They are not a crisis line like Lifeline, but they can support people in distress and connect you with further help if you’re at risk.

How Counselling Can Help: Evidence-Based Approaches

Counsellors and Psychologists don’t rely on guesswork when helping someone who’s feeling suicidal. They use researched strategies to support recovery. Here are a few key approaches:

Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality (CAMS): This method focuses on working together with the person in distress, rather than telling them what to do. It aims reduce suicidal thoughts more effectively than traditional therapy.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Suicide Prevention (CBT-SP): This version of CBT focuses specifically on managing suicidal thoughts by teaching problem-solving and positive thinking strategies.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT): Originally designed for people with intense emotions or borderline personality disorder, DBT is now widely used to reduce suicide risk by teaching emotional regulation, mindfulness, and better relationship skills.

Safety Planning: This involves creating a personalised plan for what someone can do when they feel at risk, including who to call, calming strategies, and safe places to go.

Means Restriction Counselling: This involves helping someone reduce their access to anything they might use to harm themselves, like certain medications or weapons, done through sensitive, respectful conversations.

Barriers to Speaking Up

Even with growing public awareness, there’s still a strong stigma around suicide. Many people worry they’ll be judged, locked up, or shamed if they admit they’re struggling. These fears can stop people from reaching out for help, which is why creating a safe, non-judgmental space is so important in counselling.

Rural and Remote Communities

People in regional and remote parts of Australia often find it harder to access mental health support. Telehealth (online or phone sessions) has helped bridge that gap, but it’s not always easy to pick up on non-verbal cues or respond to crises from a distance.

Cultural Awareness Matters

For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, suicide cannot be separated from the impacts of colonisation, loss of culture, and ongoing trauma. Culturally safe, community-led solutions are essential and more effective in these contexts.

Remember That Feelings Change—Even the Darkest Ones

It may not feel like it right now, but these feelings will pass. Emotions are like waves—sometimes crashing, sometimes calm—but never permanent.

What you feel today is not a life sentence. With support and time, things can change. You deserve the chance to see what healing and hope feel like.

Safe Haven NSW Services (for suicidal distress, NOT EDs)

Please check official websites for update information re contact information, hours of operation, and status of operation i.e., still operating. The information on this website has been collected June 2025.

Safe Havens are calm, non-clinical spaces where you can talk with peer workers and mental health clinicians if you’re in emotional crisis — no appointment needed.

No police or emergency involvement unless requested or necessary.

Warm, trauma-informed and recovery-focused.

🔗Find your local Safe Haven: nsw.gov.au/mental-health-initiatives/safe-haven

Examples:

Safe Haven locations across NSW — these are welcoming, non-clinical places where anyone feeling suicidal or in deep distress can drop in and speak to peer workers or mental health clinicians. No appointment, referral, or Medicare card needed. Visit the following for operating hours and locations across NSW: Safe Haven

Regional & Metro Locations

Campbelltown / Ambarvale (SWSLHD)

Address: 80 Woodhouse Drive, Ambarvale (Campbelltown area)

Open Mon, Fri, Sat, Sun 2 – 9 pm

Phone: 0457 093 109 during hours swslhd.health.nsw.gov.au

North Ryde (Macquarie Hospital)

For youth aged 12–17 (sometimes to 18 if still at school)

Open daily 4 – 8 pm and public holidays nslhd.health.nsw.gov.au

Parramatta / Westmead

Drop-in at 26 Grand Ave, Westmead

Open Sun–Wed 3:30 – 9:30 pm

Phone: 0436 377 113

Bega Safe Haven, Bega, NSW, Australia, Supports 14 + in a calm, welcoming space.

Broken Hill Safe Haven, Broken Hill, NSW, Australia, Supports 17 + with peer and clinician support 

Brookvale Safe Haven, Brookvale, NSW, Australia, High‑school aged young people support

Darlinghurst Safe Haven,

Darlinghurst, NSW, Australia, 16 + LGBTQIA+ inclusive spot at St Vincent’s

St Vincent’s O’Brien Centre, 390 Victoria Street, Darlinghurst NSW 2010

Hours: Monday: closed, Tuesday: closed, Wednesday: 5:00pm – 8:30pm​, Thursday: 5:00pm – 8:30pm, Friday: 5:00pm – 8:30pm, Saturday: 12:00pm – 4:00pm, Sunday: 12:00pm – 4:00pm​.

Gosford Safe Haven, General adult Safe Haven

Corner of Ambulance Road and Holden Street, Gosford NSW 2250

Hours: Monday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Tuesday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Wednesday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Thursday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Friday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Saturday: closed, Sunday: closed, Closed on public holidays​

Phone: (02) 4394 1597​​

Kogarah Safe Haven, Kogarah, NSW, Australia,16 + adults,

U2/15 Kensington St, Kogarah NSW 2217

Phone: (02) 9113 2981

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking “Part of me wants to change… but part of me’s not sure”, you’re not alone. That back-and-forth, weighing things up—“Should I? Shouldn’t I?”—is a normal part of how people process big (and small) decisions. In counselling, this is called ambivalence, and rather than seeing it as a barrier, Motivational Interviewing (MI) treats it as a starting point for meaningful conversations.

What Is Motivational Interviewing?

Motivational Interviewing is a counselling approach that helps people explore their own reasons for change, without pressure or judgment. It’s a respectful, supportive way of helping you work through the push-pull that often comes with making decisions. You’re in the driver’s seat—we’re just here to help you navigate.

You might hear MI described in different ways:

In simple terms:
“MI is a collaborative conversation style that helps strengthen your own motivation and commitment to change.”

In practice:
“MI is about helping you make sense of mixed feelings and explore what’s right for you—based on your values, your goals, and your life.”

MI isn’t about telling you what to do. It’s about listening deeply, asking thoughtful questions, and helping you make sense of where you’re at—and where you might want to go.

Why It’s Not Just a Quick Fix

While MI can be used in short sessions, the research shows it works best when there’s time to really explore your thinking. In studies where people had just one 15-minute session, the outcomes were decent. But when they had more time—say, several sessions of an hour—the results were much stronger. That’s probably because real change often takes time, reflection, and a bit of back-and-forth.

MI originally started in the health world—helping people reduce alcohol use, manage weight, or improve their health. More recently, it’s been used to address things like vaccine hesitancy. But MI isn’t just for health issues. It can also help with things like relationship struggles, career decisions, or anything where you might feel stuck or unsure.

Ambivalence Is Normal

Let’s say you’re thinking about quitting smoking, leaving a relationship, or starting something new. You might feel torn—part of you is ready, and another part isn’t. That’s ambivalence.

MI offers tools to help with this, including something called the Decisional Balance, which simply helps you look at both sides: What are the good things about staying the same? What are the reasons you might want to change?

But here’s the thing—MI isn’t about pushing you toward a particular outcome. If you’re trying to make a decision where there’s no obvious “right” answer—like whether to stay in a relationship—the counsellor stays neutral. They don’t steer you in one direction. Instead, they help you explore what matters to you.

Talking Your Way Toward Change

One of the interesting things about MI is how it pays attention to the language you use when you talk about change.

Some of the things people say when they’re starting to think about change include:

• “I probably should cut down…”
• “I’d like to feel better about this…”
• “I don’t know if I can keep doing this…”

These kinds of statements are called change talk—and they’re actually signs that something inside you is shifting. MI aims to gently encourage and grow this kind of talk, because research shows that the more someone talks about change, the more likely they are to act on it.

There’s also sustain talk, which sounds like:

• “I don’t smoke that much…”
• “I know I should, but it helps me relax.”
• “Now’s not really the right time.”

Both are normal. In MI, there’s no need to rush. Instead, the focus is on listening to both sides of you—and helping you get clearer about what you want to do next.

Getting Skilled Support

Like any professional approach, MI works best when the counsellor is trained and skilled in using it. Some practitioners have their sessions reviewed (with consent) by independent experts to make sure the spirit and skills of MI are being used well.

If you ever hear a practitioner say they “do MI”, you can ask what that looks like. The most effective use of MI goes beyond just asking open-ended questions or offering summaries—it’s about how your counsellor supports you in finding your own reasons for change.

What a Session Might Involve

Motivational Interviewing tends to follow a flexible process with four key parts:

1. Engaging – Building trust and understanding
2. Focusing – Exploring what matters most to you
3. Evoking – Drawing out your own reasons for change
4. Planning – When you’re ready, looking at possible next steps

You don’t have to go through these in a straight line. Some days you might focus on one step, then circle back to another later. It’s all guided by you—your pace, your readiness, your goals.

In Summary

If you’re feeling uncertain about making a change—or you’ve been thinking about it for a while but haven’t quite landed on what to do—Motivational Interviewing could be a really helpful way to explore things.

It’s not about being told what to do, and it’s not about “fixing” you. It’s a respectful, evidence-based approach that helps people work through their own ambivalence, connect with what matters to them, and move toward change when they’re ready.

Change doesn’t have to be instant. And it doesn’t have to be perfect. But it can start with a conversation.