Fear and anxiety

1. High selectivity is normal, especially as we get older

When you enter the post-20’s dating world, your life experience has shaped your preferences. You’ve likely developed clear ideas of what you want in a partner, both in terms of personality and compatibility.

• This means it’s natural to not feel interested in most people you date.
• Selectivity isn’t a problem—it often reflects self-knowledge and maturity.

2. Same-sex dating dynamics can be tricky

• In male same-sex dating, especially in places like Sydney, there can be a stronger focus on physical attraction in initial meetings.
• That can make it harder to find someone you genuinely click with emotionally or mentally, because a lot of initial dating chemistry may feel superficial or performance-based.

3. Emotional vs. physical attraction

• Your emotional and intellectual connection becomes [more] key to your interest.
• You may feel attracted physically to some, but if the emotional or personality resonance isn’t there, you simply won’t want to continue. That’s perfectly normal.

4. Reciprocity matters a lot

• Humans are wired for reciprocal interest: when it’s not returned, our brains often disengage emotionally to protect ourselves from disappointment.
• This can make dating feel discouraging because your standards and their feelings don’t always align.

5. Psychological patterns that could be at play

• High self-awareness: You know what you want and won’t settle.
• Emotional caution: After multiple dates where interest isn’t reciprocated, your mind may naturally limit attachment until someone truly matches your criteria.
• Confirmation bias in dating: You notice quickly when someone isn’t “right,” which is good for avoiding poor matches—but can also make you feel like genuine connections are rare.

6. This is very common for mature adults dating

• Many people in their late 30s–40s experience the same thing.
• Your dating pool is smaller because you’re looking for someone with very specific qualities (age, personality, emotional intelligence, compatibility).

Practical advice for dating in this context

a. Broaden [wisely] your dating strategies

• While selectivity is good, small adjustments in mindset can increase your chances:
  • Look beyond initial “type” indicators and give people a bit more time to reveal personality.
  • Join social groups or interest-based communities (sports clubs, arts, volunteering, LGBTQ+ meetups). Often chemistry develops in shared activity contexts rather than first-date settings.

b. Focus on quality interactions

• Instead of increasing quantity, increase meaningfulness: fewer, more intentional dates with people you have some natural overlap with (values, lifestyle, humor).
• Online apps can be helpful, but try to filter for shared interests or mutual values to save time and emotional energy.

c. Work on internal calibration

• Reflect on what triggers your strong attraction. Are there patterns (personality, energy, humor, confidence)?
• This helps to recognize potential even if it’s not immediately intense, and also helps articulate your preferences clearly to prospective dates.

d. Manage expectations

• It’s normal for the dating ratio (you like → they like) to be low, especially with high selectivity. Patience is key.
• Celebrate the small wins: every connection you explore, even if it doesn’t last, builds social and emotional insight.

e. Emotional self-care

• Rejection is part of the process and rarely personal—it’s more about compatibility.
• Maintain supportive friendships, hobbies, and self-affirmation to avoid over-investing emotionally in every date.

Mindset shift suggestion

Instead of thinking:

“There are very few people I want to see again, and they don’t feel the same way”

Try:

“I’m selective and I know what I want. Meeting the right person may take time, but each date helps me understand myself and my preferences more clearly.”

This subtle mindset shift reduces pressure and anxiety, while keeping your standards intact.

Psychological factors influencing drug use in Sydney’s gay community often stem from unique social and emotional challenges. Research highlights that stigma, discrimination, self-stigma, and internalised homophobia can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and mental distress, which may increase vulnerability to substance use.

Additionally, the normalisation of partying in certain social settings, such as bars and clubs, has historically been a way for subcultural populations of LGBTQ+ individuals to connect and find community. However, this environment can also contribute to higher rates of drug use. Emotional coping mechanisms, such as using substances to manage stress or trauma, are also significant factors.

The biopsychosocial model provides a comprehensive framework for understanding alcohol and other drug dependency in the LGBTIA+ community. Here’s a breakdown of the factors:

1. Biological Factors:
   • Genetic predisposition plays a role, with some individuals being more vulnerable to chemical dependency due to inherited traits.
   • Neurobiological changes caused by substance use can alter brain function, making it very challenging to reduce or stop using substances despite the negative consequences occurring in the individual’s life.
2. Psychological Factors:
   • Trauma, such as adverse childhood experiences, peer bullying, neglect, authoritarian child rearing, seemingly innocuous societal messages, and/or discrimination, can lead to emotional distress and substance use as a coping mechanism.
   • Internalised stigma, homophobia, or transphobia can exacerbate mental health issues like anxiety and depression, increasing the risk of substance use and potential physical and psychological dependency.
3. Social Factors:
   • Experiences of ostracism, violence, or lack of acceptance and belonging can lead to isolation and substance use.
   • Social norms in certain LGBTQ+ spaces, such as bars or clubs, may normalise or encourage substance use.

This model underscores the importance of addressing all these interconnected factors in prevention and treatment efforts.

The Flux Study, also known as “Following Lives Undergoing Change,” is a longitudinal research project focusing on the lives of gay and bisexual men in Australia. Conducted by the Kirby Institute at UNSW Sydney, it examines various aspects of health, behaviour, and social factors, including drug use, sexual health, and the adoption of HIV prevention strategies like PrEP.

Key findings from the study include:

• Recreational drug use is common among gay and bisexual men, with substances like marijuana, amyl nitrite (“poppers”), and party drugs being frequently used. However, dependency rates are relatively low.
• Drug use is often linked to enhancing pleasurable experiences, including sexual enjoyment.
• The study has provided insights into how men mitigate risks, such as using biomedical HIV prevention methods alongside drug use.

The Flux Study is a collaborative effort involving organisations like the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre, ACON, and the Victorian AIDS Council. It aims to inform health interventions and support services tailored to the needs of this community.

The Flux Study has provided valuable insights into the health and behaviours of gay and bisexual men in Australia. Here are some key findings:

• Drug Use: While recreational drug use is common, most participants reported infrequent use. Harm reduction strategies, such as not sharing injecting equipment, were widely practiced.
• HIV Prevention: There was a significant increase in the uptake of HIV pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), with usage rising from less than 1% in 2014 to about one-third of participants by 2017.
• COVID-19 Impact: During the pandemic, participants reduced sexual contacts and adapted strategies to minimize risks in sexual contexts. Many also paused PrEP usage due to reduced sexual activity.
• Mental Health: A notable proportion of participants reported mental health challenges, highlighting the need for targeted support services.

There are several support services available for addressing mental health challenges, particularly for the LGBTIA+ community in Australia. Here are some key options:

1. QLife: A free, anonymous peer support and referral service for LGBTQ+ individuals. It operates via phone and webchat from 3 PM to midnight, 7 days a week. Phone: 1800 184 527. Their website provides a webchat service: QLife – Support and Referrals
2. Beyond Blue: Offers 24/7 mental health support, including phone and online counselling. They also provide resources tailored to the LGBTQ+ community. Phone: 1300 22 4636. Click the following link to Beyond Blue’s Wellbeing Action Tool: beyond-blue-wellbeing-action-tool_dec_2024_updated.pdf
3. Lifeline: A leading crisis support service available 24/7 for anyone in distress. They offer phone, text, and online counselling. Phone: 13 11 14
4. Head to Health: Connects individuals to mental health resources, including helplines, apps, and digital programs. Medicare Mental Health is a free service that connects you with the mental health support that is right for you. Phone: 1800 595 212 or visit their website: Home | Medicare Mental Health
5. WayAhead Directory: An online database to find local mental health services and resources. Phone: 1300 794 991
6. NSW Mental Health Line: A 24/7 telephone service providing advice and recommendations for appropriate care. Phone: 1800 011 511

These services are designed to provide immediate support and guide individuals toward long-term mental health care.

As I always like to say, there are as many reasons why people self-sabotage as there are people. A common theme is to protect the self from failure, feeling things we don’t want to feel, and to control our experiences.

One of the hidden culprits behind self-sabotage is the need for perfection and control. Self-sabotage has a strange way of helping us maintain the illusion that if only we had put in more effort or had better circumstances, everything would have worked out as it should. Social psychologists call this counter-intuitive strategy of regulating self-esteem ‘self-handicapping.’ It’s very seductive to engage in self-sabotage because the hidden payoff is high. It’s often easier to be a perfect whole rather than a real part. It’s a short-term solution that sidesteps the more arduous but ultimately more fulfilling work of individuation and self-realization. It takes risk, patience, suffering, and ultimately wisdom to come to the place where you can let go of self-sabotage and learn how to be real.

Behaviour is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems in daily life and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors include procrastination, self-medication with alcohol and other drugs, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting.

Self-sabotage originates in the internal critic we all have, the side that has been internalized by the undermining and negative voices we’ve encountered in our lives. This critic and ‘internal sabotuer,’ functions to keep the person from risking being hurt, shamed, or traumatized in the ways they had been in the past. While it keeps the individual safe, it does so at a very high cost, foreclosing the possibility of new, creative, and three-dimensional experiences. Like an addiction, self-sabotage insidiously lulls and deludes us into thinking that it has the answer. In fact, it is the problem masquerading as the solution. Nothing stops self-sabotage faster in its tracks than shining this particular light on it. Consciousness is true power. We need to let go of our illusions of omnipotence and perfection and see that it is only when we are real and imperfect that we can create a true work of art. Then and only then we can enjoy the gifts of being Real.

– Michael Alcée, Ph.D., Relational therapist/ Clinical psychologistArt: Bawa Manjit, Acrobat

– Self-Sabotage | Psychology Today Australia