The function of anger is to protect vulnerability and neutralize threat.
The threat humans cognitively perceive is almost always to the ego i.e., how we want to think of ourselves and have others think of us. Anger neutralizes ego-threat by devaluing, demeaning, or undermining the “power” of the person perceived to be threatening. Humans get angry when they don’t get what they want, when they’re disrespected, or when they perceive something is unjust/unfair. Anger, the emotion, is a chemical messenger. It communicates to us, to others, and motivates us to act, speak, do something. Healthy responses to anger include being assertive, feeling empowered, protecting ourselves and love ones from ACTUAL threat, setting boundaries with others, and making social change for justice (for example). It becomes unhealthy when we become passive-aggressive, violent, vengeful, spiteful, aggressive, resentful, sarcastic, “moody”, rude etc.
Receive the message and respond from a wise, calm place after the intensity of the emotion has past. Sometimes we have to act in the moment. Our ancestors may have required this for fight/flight survival. These days, we can generally PAUSE and calm the self before responding from a mindful and compassionate heart and mind. Remember: Hurt people, hurt people.
Self-harm is any behaviour that involves the deliberate causing of pain or injury to oneself without the intention to end your life. Self-harm can include behaviours such as cutting, burning or hitting oneself, binge-eating or starvation, or repeatedly putting oneself in dangerous situations. It can also involve abuse of drugs or alcohol, including overdosing on prescription medications. Self-harm is usually a response to distress, whether it be from mental illness, trauma, or psychological pain. Some people find that the physical pain of self-harm helps provide temporary relief from emotional pain (extract from Self harm (lifeline.org.au)).
People who engage in self-harm will profess that they have no intention of dying and that their self-harming behaviour is a coping strategy, however, there are incidents of accidental suicide. The act of self-harm can develop into an obsessive-compulsion experience which can be very difficult to stop, like addiction, without outside intervention. This can result in feelings of hopelessness and possible suicidal thinking. Like building a tolerance to a drug, when self-injury does not relieve the tension or help control negative thoughts and feelings, the person may injure themselves more severely or may start to believe they can no longer control their pain and may consider suicide.
The following extract by Tracy Alderman Ph.D explains the physiological response to physical pain:
“Physiologically, endorphins are released when we are injured or stressed. Endorphins are neurotransmitters that act similarly to morphine and reduce the amount of pain we experience when we are hurt. Joggers often report experiencing a “runners high” when reaching a physically stressful period. This “high” is the physiological reaction to the release of endorphins – the masking of pain by a substance that mimics morphine. When people self-injure, the same process takes place. Endorphins are released which limit or block the amount of physical pain that’s experienced. Sometimes people who intentionally hurt themselves will even say that they felt a “rush” or “high” from the act. Given the role of endorphins, this makes perfect sense” (Oct 22, 2009).
The first step is to distinguish between self-harming and suicidal behaviour by paying attention to a person’s underlying motivation. When working with self-harming behaviour it is important to remember that this behaviour serves a purpose. In collaboration with the client, try to identify what problem self-harm solves for the client. For example, from the client’s perspective:
To make me feel real (counteracts dissociation)
To punish me (temporarily lessens guilt or shame)
To stop me from feeling (when strong feelings are too dangerous)
To mark the body (to show externally the internal scars)
To let something bad out (symbolic way to try to get rid of shame, pain, etc.)
To remember
To keep from hurting someone else (to control my behaviour and my anger)
To communicate (to let someone know how bad the pain is)
To express anger indirectly (to punish someone without getting them angry at me)
To reclaim control of the body (this time I’m in charge)
To feel better
Tips for helping yourself in the moment It can be hard for people who self-harm to stop it by themselves. That’s why it’s important to get further help if needed; however, the ideas below may be helpful to start relieving some distress:
Intense exercise for 30 seconds, 30 second break, repeat, up to 15 minutes – Exercising intensely will help your body mitigate unpleasant energy that can sometimes be stored from strong emotions. Transfer this energy by running, walking at a fast pace, doing jumping jacks, etc. Exercise naturally releases endorphins which will help combat any negative emotions like anger, anxiety, or sadness.
Delay — put off self-harming behaviours until you have spoken to someone.
Distract — do some exercise, go for a walk, play a game, do something kind for yourself, play loud music or use positive coping strategies.
Deep breathing — or other relaxation methods.
Cool your body temperature – Cooler temperatures decrease your heart rate (which is usually faster when we are emotionally overwhelmed). You can either splash your face with cold water, take a cold (but not too cold) shower, or if the weather outside is chilly you can go outside for a walk. Another idea is to take an ice cube and hold it in your hand or rub your face with it.
Listen to loud music
Call someone you trust or one of the services available like LifeLine 13 11 14, MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78 and BeyondBlue 1300 22 4636 [see below].
You could write an email to yourself to express your emotions, or journal your feelings, if that’s something that might be effective for you.
Watch humorous Youtube clips
New, healthier coping strategies may not be as effective as the one you’re trying to replace so it may take practice. Bring lots of compassion to yourself, okay.
You may find that some of these strategies work in some situations but not others, or you may find that you need to use a combination of these. It’s important to find what works for you. Also, remember that these are not long-term solutions to self-harm but rather, useful short-term alternatives for relieving distress.
I would infer that you may be depleted in some area of your life. Generally, when I am having any of these experiences I can recognise that my basic needs, and possibly even transformative, needs are not met. My basic needs are food and water, adequate sleep, shelter and safety, social connection (belonging), and esteem needs (e.g., self-respect, self-worth, self-competence, mastery and achievement, integrity, sense of freedom and independence etc.). Perhaps only when all my deficiency needs are met, and I’m experiencing dissatisfaction with my growth needs, do I feel Restless, Irritable, and Discontent in this area of my life – however I assume some would argue that if I am feeling that way when attending to my growth needs, then I may have slipped back to Esteem Needs. You can look up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for a visual representation if you like, using a search engine. Below is a GIF that I created to educate people on how we can buffer ourselves to vulnerabilities. It’s very telling to go into the body when we haven’t eat for a while, may be we’re running on caffeine, and you can feel the restlessness in the body. We have to fuel up when we’re hungry to buffer ourselves from becoming irritable and restless. If you’re feeling discontent with life, I would suggest a social activity, play time with friends, working on a project of some kind, or getting involved in your community.
1. High selectivity is normal, especially as we get older
When you enter the post-20’s dating world, your life experience has shaped your preferences. You’ve likely developed clear ideas of what you want in a partner, both in terms of personality and compatibility.
This means it’s natural to not feel interested in most people you date.
Selectivity isn’t a problem—it often reflects self-knowledge and maturity.
2. Same-sex dating dynamics can be tricky
In male same-sex dating, especially in places like Sydney, there can be a stronger focus on physical attraction in initial meetings.
That can make it harder to find someone you genuinely click with emotionally or mentally, because a lot of initial dating chemistry may feel superficial or performance-based.
3. Emotional vs. physical attraction
Your emotional and intellectual connection becomes [more] key to your interest.
You may feel attracted physically to some, but if the emotional or personality resonance isn’t there, you simply won’t want to continue. That’s perfectly normal.
4. Reciprocity matters a lot
Humans are wired for reciprocal interest: when it’s not returned, our brains often disengage emotionally to protect ourselves from disappointment.
This can make dating feel discouraging because your standards and their feelings don’t always align.
5. Psychological patterns that could be at play
High self-awareness: You know what you want and won’t settle.
Emotional caution: After multiple dates where interest isn’t reciprocated, your mind may naturally limit attachment until someone truly matches your criteria.
Confirmation bias in dating: You notice quickly when someone isn’t “right,” which is good for avoiding poor matches—but can also make you feel like genuine connections are rare.
6. This is very common for mature adults dating
Many people in their late 30s–40s experience the same thing.
Your dating pool is smaller because you’re looking for someone with very specific qualities (age, personality, emotional intelligence, compatibility).
Practical advice for dating in this context
a. Broaden [wisely] your dating strategies
While selectivity is good, small adjustments in mindset can increase your chances:
Look beyond initial “type” indicators and give people a bit more time to reveal personality.
Join social groups or interest-based communities (sports clubs, arts, volunteering, LGBTQ+ meetups). Often chemistry develops in shared activity contexts rather than first-date settings.
b. Focus on quality interactions
Instead of increasing quantity, increase meaningfulness: fewer, more intentional dates with people you have some natural overlap with (values, lifestyle, humor).
Online apps can be helpful, but try to filter for shared interests or mutual values to save time and emotional energy.
c. Work on internal calibration
Reflect on what triggers your strong attraction. Are there patterns (personality, energy, humor, confidence)?
This helps to recognize potential even if it’s not immediately intense, and also helps articulate your preferences clearly to prospective dates.
d. Manage expectations
It’s normal for the dating ratio (you like → they like) to be low, especially with high selectivity. Patience is key.
Celebrate the small wins: every connection you explore, even if it doesn’t last, builds social and emotional insight.
e. Emotional self-care
Rejection is part of the process and rarely personal—it’s more about compatibility.
Maintain supportive friendships, hobbies, and self-affirmation to avoid over-investing emotionally in every date.
Mindset shift suggestion
Instead of thinking:
“There are very few people I want to see again, and they don’t feel the same way”
Try:
“I’m selective and I know what I want. Meeting the right person may take time, but each date helps me understand myself and my preferences more clearly.”
This subtle mindset shift reduces pressure and anxiety, while keeping your standards intact.
