Please click on the link for the article by BY ERIC LANGSHUR AND NATE KLEMP PHD
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Same-sex dating challenges when you’re over 30Same-sex dating challenges when you’re over 30
1. High selectivity is normal, especially as we get older
When you enter the post-20’s dating world, your life experience has shaped your preferences. You’ve likely developed clear ideas of what you want in a partner, both in terms of personality and compatibility.
- This means it’s natural to not feel interested in most people you date.
- Selectivity isn’t a problem—it often reflects self-knowledge and maturity.
2. Same-sex dating dynamics can be tricky
- In male same-sex dating, especially in places like Sydney, there can be a stronger focus on physical attraction in initial meetings.
- That can make it harder to find someone you genuinely click with emotionally or mentally, because a lot of initial dating chemistry may feel superficial or performance-based.
3. Emotional vs. physical attraction
- Your emotional and intellectual connection becomes [more] key to your interest.
- You may feel attracted physically to some, but if the emotional or personality resonance isn’t there, you simply won’t want to continue. That’s perfectly normal.
4. Reciprocity matters a lot
- Humans are wired for reciprocal interest: when it’s not returned, our brains often disengage emotionally to protect ourselves from disappointment.
- This can make dating feel discouraging because your standards and their feelings don’t always align.
5. Psychological patterns that could be at play
- High self-awareness: You know what you want and won’t settle.
- Emotional caution: After multiple dates where interest isn’t reciprocated, your mind may naturally limit attachment until someone truly matches your criteria.
- Confirmation bias in dating: You notice quickly when someone isn’t “right,” which is good for avoiding poor matches—but can also make you feel like genuine connections are rare.
6. This is very common for mature adults dating
- Many people in their late 30s–40s experience the same thing.
- Your dating pool is smaller because you’re looking for someone with very specific qualities (age, personality, emotional intelligence, compatibility).
Practical advice for dating in this context
a. Broaden [wisely] your dating strategies
- While selectivity is good, small adjustments in mindset can increase your chances:
- Look beyond initial “type” indicators and give people a bit more time to reveal personality.
- Join social groups or interest-based communities (sports clubs, arts, volunteering, LGBTQ+ meetups). Often chemistry develops in shared activity contexts rather than first-date settings.
b. Focus on quality interactions
- Instead of increasing quantity, increase meaningfulness: fewer, more intentional dates with people you have some natural overlap with (values, lifestyle, humor).
- Online apps can be helpful, but try to filter for shared interests or mutual values to save time and emotional energy.
c. Work on internal calibration
- Reflect on what triggers your strong attraction. Are there patterns (personality, energy, humor, confidence)?
- This helps to recognize potential even if it’s not immediately intense, and also helps articulate your preferences clearly to prospective dates.
d. Manage expectations
- It’s normal for the dating ratio (you like → they like) to be low, especially with high selectivity. Patience is key.
- Celebrate the small wins: every connection you explore, even if it doesn’t last, builds social and emotional insight.
e. Emotional self-care
- Rejection is part of the process and rarely personal—it’s more about compatibility.
- Maintain supportive friendships, hobbies, and self-affirmation to avoid over-investing emotionally in every date.
Mindset shift suggestion
Instead of thinking:
“There are very few people I want to see again, and they don’t feel the same way”
Try:
“I’m selective and I know what I want. Meeting the right person may take time, but each date helps me understand myself and my preferences more clearly.”
This subtle mindset shift reduces pressure and anxiety, while keeping your standards intact.
Polyvagal Theory and Trauma – Dr. Stephen PorgesPolyvagal Theory and Trauma – Dr. Stephen Porges
Stephen Porges, psychiatry professor and researcher, on the polyvagal theory he developed to understand our reactions to trauma:
[Paraphrased] Polyvagal theory articulates three branches of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) that evolved from primitive vertebrates to mammals. First, there is a system known as ‘freeze’, which involves death feigning or immobilisation. Second, the ANS has a ‘fight or flight’ system, which is a mobilisation system. And third, with mammals, there is what Porges calls, a social engagement system (SES), which can detect features of safety, and actually communicate them to another. The SES may also be referred to by some as ‘rest and digest’, which Porges theory suggests is a function of the Vagus Nerve – the tenth cranial nerve, a very long and wandering nerve that begins at the medulla oblongata. When an individual experiences feelings of safety (within an SES state), the autonomic nervous system can support health restoration. In terms of dealing with a life threat, an ordinary person will most likely go into a feigning death, dissociative state of ‘freeze’.
Polyvagal theory in psychotherapy offers emotional co-regulation as an interactive process between therapist and client which engages the social engagement system of both therapist and client. Social engagement provides experiences of safety, trust, mutuality and reciprocity in which we are open to receiving another person, just as they are.
The following extract has been retrived from https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jun/02/stephen-porges-interview-survivors-are-blamed-polyvagal-theory-fight-flight-psychiatry-ace
Polyvagal theory has made inroads into medical and psycho-therapeutic treatment, but how should it inform how people treat each other?
“When we become a polyvagal-informed society, we’re functionally capable of listening to and witnessing other people’s experiences, we don’t evaluate them. Listening is part of co-regulation: we become connected to others and this is what I call our biological imperative. So when you become polyvagal-informed you have a better understanding of your evolutionary heritage as a mammal. We become aware of how our physiological state is manifested, in people’s voices and in their facial expression, posture and basic muscle tone. If there’s exuberance coming from the upper part of a person’s face, and their voice has intonation modulation or what’s called prosody, we become attracted to the person. We like to talk to them – it’s part of our co-regulation.
So when we become polyvagal-informed, we start understanding not only the other person’s response but also our responsibility to smile and have inflection in our voice, to help the person we’re talking to help their body feel safe.”
Clink on the link below to hear Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s leading experts on developmental trauma, explain how our long-term health and happiness can be compromised by prior exposure to violence, emotional abuse, and other forms of traumatic stress.
