In Australia, as in many English-speaking cultures, saying “sorry” frequently can be attributed to several social and psychological factors:
Politeness and Social Norms: Australians often use “sorry” as a form of politeness and to maintain social harmony. It acts as a social lubricant, helping to smooth over minor inconveniences and avoid confrontation.
Cultural Influence: The habit of saying “sorry” has deep roots in the English language and culture, where it evolved from expressing genuine remorse to a more formulaic use for minor inconveniences.
Avoiding Conflict: Many people use “sorry” to quickly defuse potential conflicts or awkward situations. This can be especially common in cultures that tend to be indirect and prefer indirect forms of communication.
Empathy and Consideration: Apologizing frequently can also reflect a high level of empathy and consideration for others’ feelings. It shows a desire to be seen as respectful and considerate.
Low Self-Esteem or Insecurity: For some, over apologising can be a sign of low self-esteem or a learned behaviour from childhood, where they might have been taught to prioritize others’ feelings over their own.
These factors combine to make “sorry” a versatile and commonly used word in everyday Australian interactions.
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Stephen Porges, psychiatry professor and researcher, on the polyvagal theory he developed to understand our reactions to trauma:
[Paraphrased] Polyvagal theory articulates three branches of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) that evolved from primitive vertebrates to mammals. First, there is a system known as ‘freeze’, which involves death feigning or immobilisation. Second, the ANS has a ‘fight or flight’ system, which is a mobilisation system. And third, with mammals, there is what Porges calls, a social engagement system (SES), which can detect features of safety, and actually communicate them to another. The SES may also be referred to by some as ‘rest and digest’, which Porges theory suggests is a function of the Vagus Nerve – the tenth cranial nerve, a very long and wandering nerve that begins at the medulla oblongata. When an individual experiences feelings of safety (within an SES state), the autonomic nervous system can support health restoration. In terms of dealing with a life threat, an ordinary person will most likely go into a feigning death, dissociative state of ‘freeze’.
Polyvagal theory in psychotherapy offers emotional co-regulation as an interactive process between therapist and client which engages the social engagement system of both therapist and client. Social engagement provides experiences of safety, trust, mutuality and reciprocity in which we are open to receiving another person, just as they are.
The following extract has been retrived from https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jun/02/stephen-porges-interview-survivors-are-blamed-polyvagal-theory-fight-flight-psychiatry-ace
Polyvagal theory has made inroads into medical and psycho-therapeutic treatment, but how should it inform how people treat each other?
“When we become a polyvagal-informed society, we’re functionally capable of listening to and witnessing other people’s experiences, we don’t evaluate them. Listening is part of co-regulation: we become connected to others and this is what I call our biological imperative. So when you become polyvagal-informed you have a better understanding of your evolutionary heritage as a mammal. We become aware of how our physiological state is manifested, in people’s voices and in their facial expression, posture and basic muscle tone. If there’s exuberance coming from the upper part of a person’s face, and their voice has intonation modulation or what’s called prosody, we become attracted to the person. We like to talk to them – it’s part of our co-regulation.
So when we become polyvagal-informed, we start understanding not only the other person’s response but also our responsibility to smile and have inflection in our voice, to help the person we’re talking to help their body feel safe.”
Clink on the link below to hear Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s leading experts on developmental trauma, explain how our long-term health and happiness can be compromised by prior exposure to violence, emotional abuse, and other forms of traumatic stress.
The phrase “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean” is all about the balance between honesty and kindness in communication.
Here’s what it means:
“Say what you mean”: Be clear and truthful. Express your real thoughts and feelings. Don’t beat around the bush or pretend to agree when you don’t.
“But don’t say it mean”: Speak with kindness and respect. Even when you’re being honest or giving criticism, there’s no need to be rude, hurtful, or aggressive.
Why it matters:
This phrase promotes healthy communication. It’s a reminder that:
You can be honest without being harsh.
Tone and delivery matter just as much as the words.
Empathy and respect should guide your conversations—even when it’s hard.
Projection: Attributing one’s unacceptable feelings or desires to someone else. For example, if a bully constantly ridicules a peer about insecurities, the bully might be projecting his own struggle with self-esteem onto the other person.
Denial: Refusing to recognize or acknowledge real facts or experiences that would lead to anxiety. For instance, someone with substance use disorder might not be able to clearly see his problem.
Repression: Blocking difficult thoughts from entering into consciousness, such as a trauma survivor shutting out a tragic experience.
Regression: Reverting to the behaviour or emotions of an earlier developmental stage.
Rationalization: Justifying a mistake or problematic feeling with seemingly logical reasons or explanations.
Displacement: Redirecting an emotional reaction from the rightful recipient to another person altogether. For example, if a manager screams at an employee, the employee doesn’t scream back—but the employee may yell at her partner later that night.
Reaction Formation: Behaving or expressing the opposite of one’s true feelings. For instance, a man who feels insecure about his masculinity might act overly aggressive.
Sublimation: Channelling sexual or unacceptable urges into a productive outlet, such as work or a hobby.
Intellectualization: Focusing on the intellectual rather than emotional consequences of a situation. For example, if a roommate unexpectedly moved out, the other person might conduct a detailed financial analysis rather than discussing their hurt feelings.
Compartmentalization: Separating components of one’s life into different categories to prevent conflicting emotions.
