| Characteristic | Dependence | Codependence | Independence | Interdependence |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Overall pattern | Unbalanced — reliant | Dysfunctional — enmeshed | Disconnected — isolated | Healthy — mutually supportive |
| Respect | Excessive deference to the other; own views and preferences are regularly abandoned to avoid conflict or disapproval | Respect is extended to the other at the direct expense of self-respect; personal autonomy and needs are consistently sacrificed | Self-respect is strong, but regard for others’ needs, feelings, or boundaries may be limited — a “my way” orientation | Genuine, mutual recognition of each person’s worth, needs, and autonomy; respect flows in both directions without self-erasure |
| Reciprocity | One-sided reliance — one person leans heavily; the other is often left carrying the emotional or practical load | Chronic one-sidedness: the codependent person gives and enables, while the other takes; sustained by the giver’s need to be needed | Little appetite for mutual exchange; interaction tends to be transactional or self-focused rather than genuinely reciprocal | Balanced give-and-take that flexes with circumstances; neither person keeps a tally, but both feel the exchange is broadly fair |
| Autonomy | Little or no independent decision-making; the dependent person habitually outsources choices, often due to anxiety or low self-efficacy | Autonomy is outsourced — the codependent’s sense of self is defined by, and contingent on, the other person’s state, needs, and approval | Strong individual autonomy, but exercised in ways that exclude or override others; autonomy as self-sufficiency rather than self-direction | Each person retains a secure, stable sense of self while choosing to share their life; autonomy and closeness are seen as compatible, not competing |
| Boundaries | Weak or absent; the dependent person struggles to assert needs or limits, often fearing rejection or abandonment if they do | Blurred or non-existent; emotional enmeshment is central — one person feels responsible for the other’s inner world and vice versa | Rigid and inflexible; protective walls rather than healthy limits, often rooted in avoidant attachment or past relational hurt | Clear, flexible, and openly negotiated; allow genuine intimacy and breathing room to coexist; adjusted as the relationship evolves |
| Communication | Marked by fear of expressing needs, disagreement, or vulnerability; communication is often indirect, placating, or suppressed | Frequently indirect, enabling, or controlling; may include people-pleasing, hinting, or managing the other person’s emotional state rather than direct dialogue | Reluctant to disclose personal matters or emotional needs; communication tends to be functional, guarded, or focused on problem-solving rather than connection | Open, honest, and emotionally safe; needs, feelings, and disagreements are expressed directly and received without fear of destabilising the relationship |
| Responsibility | Personal responsibility is ceded; the dependent person relies on the other to manage decisions, emotions, or practical life tasks | The codependent assumes responsibility for the other’s emotions, wellbeing, and behaviour — often enabling harm in the process; both people’s growth is stunted | Responsibility is taken for oneself but rarely sought or accepted collaboratively; help-seeking is resisted even when it would be adaptive | Responsibility is appropriately owned and shared; each person takes accountability for their own actions while supporting, but not managing, the other |
| Self-esteem | Fragile and externally anchored; feelings of worth are contingent on the other person’s approval, presence, or positive regard | Chronically low and outsourced; the codependent’s self-worth is tied to their caretaking role — they feel valuable only when they are needed or useful | Can appear high, but is often defended rather than genuine; may be maintained through achievement, self-sufficiency, or emotional distancing rather than authentic self-acceptance | Stable and internally grounded; does not depend on the partner’s approval or on performing a particular role; resilient to relational stress |
| Support | Constant and disproportionate support is sought; the dependent person struggles to self-soothe or function without frequent reassurance from the other | One party is chronically over-reliant on the other for emotional regulation; the codependent may also subtly require the other to remain dependent in order to feel needed | Support is rarely sought, even when genuinely needed; self-reliance is prioritised to the point of isolation, and vulnerability is experienced as threatening | Support is both offered and sought fluidly and appropriately; neither person feels burdened by the other’s needs, and both feel safe to ask for help |
Sources: APA Dictionary of Psychology (2023); Mental Health America; Rusbult & Van Lange, Annual Review of Psychology (2003); research on attachment theory, interdependence theory, and the “dependency paradox” (Feeney & Van Vleet). The goal state in healthy adult relationships is interdependence — not independence.