Webb Therapy Uncategorized Internal Family Systems Therapy: Working with the Parts of Ourselves

Internal Family Systems Therapy: Working with the Parts of Ourselves

Introduction

There is a moment in therapy that many practitioners recognise — the moment a client says something like, “Part of me wants to leave the relationship, but another part is terrified of being alone,” or “I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop.” These are not signs of ambivalence or contradiction. They are the natural language of a mind that is, at its core, multiple.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, developed by American psychotherapist Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, offers a sophisticated, compassionate framework for understanding this inner multiplicity. Rather than treating internal conflict as pathology or weakness, IFS recognises that the human psyche is composed of distinct “parts” — each with its own perspective, feelings, motivations, and history. Far from being a burden, this internal family can become, through careful therapeutic work, a source of extraordinary resilience and self-understanding.

This article explores IFS therapy in depth: its theoretical foundations, its core concepts, how it aligns with and enriches other established therapeutic approaches, and why working with parts has become one of the most generative developments in contemporary psychotherapy.


The Architecture of the Inner World: Core IFS Concepts

The Self

At the heart of IFS is the concept of the Self — a capital-S, differentiated Self that is not a part but rather the core of who we are. Schwartz describes Self as characterised by what he calls the “Eight Cs”: curiosity, calm, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. In a well-functioning psyche, Self leads the internal system with warmth and wisdom, much as a skilled and attuned parent might lead a family.

Crucially, IFS holds that Self is never damaged, even in the most traumatised individuals. It may be buried beneath layers of protective activity, but it is always there — always intact, always available. This is a radical and profoundly hopeful premise, and one that resonates deeply with strengths-based and person-centred traditions.

The Parts

IFS identifies three broad categories of parts:

Exiles are the youngest, most vulnerable parts of the psyche. They carry the emotional weight of painful past experiences — shame, grief, terror, humiliation, abandonment, worthlessness. Exiles are often frozen in the moment of the original wound, experiencing distress as though it is happening right now. Because their pain is so intense, the rest of the internal system works hard to keep them hidden, suppressed, and out of conscious awareness. The system exiles them to protect the individual from being overwhelmed.

Managers are the proactive protectors — the parts that work day-to-day to keep exiles contained and maintain a functional life. They might appear as the inner critic who drives someone to perfectionism, the hypervigilant part that constantly scans for danger, the pleaser who never says no, the workaholic who stays perpetually busy, or the intellectualiser who processes everything through logic to avoid feeling. Managers are often the parts clients first present with in therapy. They can be harsh, relentless, and deeply self-critical — but they are acting out of care. They are trying to prevent the exile’s pain from surfacing and disrupting the person’s life.

Firefighters are the reactive protectors who spring into action when an exile’s pain does break through — when a trigger cuts past the managers’ defences. Their methods are urgent and often extreme: dissociation, substance use, bingeing, self-harm, rage, sexual compulsion, suicidal ideation. Like emergency workers who will break down a door to stop a fire, firefighters care little for collateral damage. They want the pain stopped, now. What might look from the outside like destructive or self-defeating behaviour is, from the inside, a desperate act of protection.

The Burden

IFS introduces the concept of burdens — the extreme beliefs, emotions, and somatic experiences that parts carry as a result of trauma or adverse experience. A part might carry the burden of worthlessness, of being too much, of being fundamentally unlovable, of needing to be perfect to be safe. Burdens are not intrinsic to the part — they were taken on, often in childhood, and can be released through therapeutic work. This process, known as unburdening, is one of the most moving and clinically significant moments in IFS therapy.


The Therapeutic Process: Accessing Self-Leadership

From Pathologising to Curious Partnership

One of the most significant shifts IFS invites is a fundamental change in how clients — and therapists — relate to symptoms. Rather than treating, suppressing, or pathologising parts, IFS invites clients to approach them with curiosity and genuine interest. What is this part trying to do for me? What is it afraid would happen if it stopped? This shift transforms the therapeutic relationship with internal experience from adversarial to collaborative.

This is deeply congruent with person-centred therapy as developed by Carl Rogers. The Rogerian conditions of unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence are, in IFS, extended inward — the client is invited to offer those same conditions to their own parts. The therapist models and facilitates an attitude of deep, non-judgmental curiosity toward even the most frightening or destructive-seeming aspects of the client’s inner world.

The U-Turn

IFS uses the evocative phrase “the U-turn” to describe the core therapeutic movement: from focusing attention outward (on external people, situations, or events) to turning inward and attending to one’s own parts. This is not a withdrawal from relationship, but a deepening of internal attunement that ultimately enriches external relating.

Working with Protectors First

A key technical principle in IFS is that therapists never attempt to work directly with exiles until protective parts have been acknowledged, understood, and have given permission. Attempting to bypass protectors — to push clients toward vulnerable material before the system is ready — risks overwhelming the client, reinforcing the protectors’ sense that they need to work harder, and potentially retraumatising.

This principle reflects trauma-informed care at a systemic level. Trauma-informed practice recognises that what looks like resistance is actually protection, that the body and mind have wisdom in their defensive responses, and that safety must precede exploration. In IFS, the therapist earns the trust of the protective system before asking it to step aside — and this is done with patience, respect, and genuine appreciation for the parts’ efforts.


IFS and Attachment Theory: The Inner Attachment System

Attachment theory, originally articulated by John Bowlby and extended by Mary Ainsworth and many others, holds that human beings are biologically wired for connection, and that the patterns of early caregiving relationships shape our internal working models of self and other. These models — secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganised — become templates for how we relate to ourselves and others throughout life.

IFS offers a compelling lens through which to understand these attachment patterns. A child who learned that their caregivers were unreliable or frightening may have a manager who vigilantly monitors others for signs of abandonment, and a firefighter who withdraws or rages when attachment fears are triggered. The exile at the centre of this system carries the original wound: the devastating belief that they are too much, not enough, or fundamentally unworthy of consistent love.

From an IFS perspective, insecure attachment patterns can be understood as the elaborate protective architecture built around early attachment wounds. The work of therapy is not simply to provide a corrective relational experience with the therapist (though this is important), but to help the client develop a secure relationship with their own internal system — to become, in a sense, a reliable and loving parent to their own parts.

This resonates with the concept in attachment theory of earned security — the idea that adults can develop secure attachment through reflective, attuned relationships, including therapeutic ones. In IFS, the therapeutic relationship with the Self becomes a primary vehicle for this.


IFS and Emotionally Focused Therapy: Accessing Primary Emotion

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, centres on accessing and transforming primary emotional experience as the key to therapeutic change. EFT identifies how people become trapped in negative interactional cycles — often driven by underlying attachment fears and needs — and works to create new, corrective emotional experiences within the therapeutic relationship or within close partnerships.

There is rich conceptual overlap between EFT and IFS. Both approaches recognise that:

  • The emotional reactions clients present with (often described in EFT as “secondary” or “instrumental” emotions) frequently protect against deeper, more vulnerable primary emotions.
  • Accessing and expressing primary emotional experience, in the context of an attuned, validating relationship, is transformative.
  • Defensive strategies and relational patterns make sense in the context of their developmental origins.

In IFS terms, the secondary reactive emotions — anger, contempt, numbness — are often the expressions of firefighter or manager parts, while the primary vulnerable emotions — terror, grief, shame — belong to the exiles. The EFT therapist and the IFS therapist are, in a meaningful sense, working toward the same goal: creating conditions in which the most vulnerable inner experience can be safely accessed, expressed, and received.

For practitioners integrating both models, EFT’s attention to the intersubjective, relational dimension of emotional experience complements IFS’s detailed intrapsychic map beautifully.


IFS and Trauma-Informed Care: Parts as Survivors

Modern trauma theory — shaped by figures including Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, Judith Herman, and Pat Ogden — has fundamentally reframed our understanding of traumatic experience and its sequelae. Trauma is understood not as a historical event but as an unresolved physiological and psychological response that continues to shape perception, behaviour, and relationship in the present.

IFS is inherently and deeply trauma-informed. Several key principles align precisely:

Safety first. IFS protocol requires establishing safety with protective parts before approaching wounded exiles — this is trauma-informed practice enacted at a structural level.

Symptoms as adaptations. IFS reframes all parts, including those that drive the most problematic symptoms, as adaptive responses to overwhelming experience. This directly mirrors trauma-informed care’s understanding of symptoms as the body and mind’s best attempts to survive.

The body as part. IFS readily integrates with somatic approaches, recognising that parts often manifest in the body — the tight chest of a manager, the hollow ache of an exile, the rush of adrenaline of a firefighter. This aligns with Levine’s Somatic Experiencing and Ogden’s Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, which understand trauma as fundamentally embodied.

Avoiding retraumatisation. The IFS approach of never forcing or bypassing protective systems directly addresses the risk of retraumatisation that is central to trauma-informed care. The system is never pushed faster than it is ready to go.

Van der Kolk has noted in his own work that IFS offers one of the most effective frameworks for trauma therapy available, precisely because it honours the adaptive intelligence of the traumatised system while providing a clear pathway toward healing.


IFS and Strengths-Based Practice: The Innate Wisdom of Parts

Strengths-based approaches in psychology — drawing on positive psychology, solution-focused therapy, and narrative traditions — begin from the premise that clients possess inherent resources, capacities, and competencies that can be identified and amplified in service of wellbeing and change.

IFS is, at its core, profoundly strengths-based. Consider:

  • Every part, no matter how destructive its behaviour appears, is motivated by positive intent. The self-critical manager wants the client to be safe. The dissociating firefighter wants the client to survive. The exile, once unburdened, reveals not just pain but also energy, creativity, vitality, and joy.
  • The Self is understood as inherently healthy, wise, and compassionate — it is never broken, never the problem.
  • The goal of IFS is not to eliminate or control parts but to help them transform — to release their burdens and step into new, more constructive roles. Former managers may become trusted advisors; former firefighters may channel their protective energy more skillfully.

This sits comfortably alongside narrative therapy, which invites clients to identify their own preferred stories, values, and competencies, and to recognise that the problem is never the person — a belief IFS would extend to say that the problem is not even the part, but the burden the part carries.


Parts in the Consulting Room: Clinical Applications

The Inner Critic

One of the most common — and most clinically challenging — experiences clients bring to therapy is the inner critic: the harsh, often relentless internal voice that judges, shames, and attacks. Many therapeutic approaches attempt to challenge, reframe, or quieten this voice.

IFS invites a different approach: curiosity. What is this part trying to do? What is it afraid would happen if it stopped criticising? Almost invariably, the inner critic is a manager whose attacks are preemptive — better for me to shame myself than for others to shame me; better for me to be hard on myself than to become complacent and fail. Underneath the critic, there is almost always an exile who already feels deeply ashamed, and a fear that without constant vigilance, that exile’s shame would engulf everything.

When clients can approach the inner critic with curiosity rather than reactivity or resignation, something remarkable often happens: the critic softens. It is, at last, being seen. Its genuine care — however misguided its methods — is being acknowledged.

Polarised Parts

Clients frequently present with two parts in fierce opposition: the part that wants to leave a relationship and the part that is terrified to; the part that wants to rest and the part that drives relentlessly; the part that rages and the part that pleases. IFS understands these polarisations as a natural consequence of the parts system — each part pushes harder against the other in a bid to be heard, and the client gets caught in the middle, exhausted and immobilised.

The therapeutic work is not to choose a side but to witness and appreciate both parts, understanding what each is protecting and what burden each carries. When both parts feel genuinely heard — often, for the first time — they can begin to negotiate rather than fight, and a new, more integrated path often emerges organically.

Parts in the Body

Working somatically with parts is a natural extension of IFS practice. Clients are often invited to locate a part in the body — Where do you feel that manager? Where is the exile? — and to attend to it with curiosity. This somatic dimension both deepens access to parts and creates a felt, embodied quality to healing that purely cognitive work cannot achieve.

This reflects the insights of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and somatic trauma work: that the body holds experience, and that healing requires the body’s participation, not just the mind’s.


The Therapist’s Parts: Working from Self

IFS has a distinctive and valuable contribution to make to therapist reflective practice. The model recognises that therapists, too, have parts — parts that may be activated by particular clients, content, or dynamics. A therapist’s rescuer part might want to fix a client’s pain. A manager part might become anxious in the presence of a client’s rage. A part carrying shame might be triggered by a client’s self-loathing.

IFS invites therapists to develop the same kind of Self-to-part relationship within themselves that they facilitate in clients. The goal is to work predominantly from Self — from that grounded, curious, compassionate centre — rather than from reactive parts. This is what makes authentic, attuned presence possible, and it is what clients most fundamentally need.

This resonates with concepts from relational psychoanalysis and interpersonal neurobiology around the therapist’s own embodied presence, attunement, and regulatory capacity as central to therapeutic change.


What the Research Tells Us

IFS has been formally recognised by the US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) as an evidence-based practice. Emerging research supports its effectiveness across a range of presentations including depression, anxiety, trauma symptoms, relationship distress, and chronic pain. Qualitative research consistently highlights clients’ experience of increased self-compassion, reduced internal conflict, and a greater sense of agency and coherence.

It is worth noting that the mechanisms of change in IFS (i.e., accessing and processing primary emotion, developing self-compassion, resolving internal conflict, processing traumatic memory) align with well-established change processes across multiple modalities. IFS does not work in spite of other evidence-based frameworks; it works, in significant part, because of the same underlying processes.


A Note on Integration

IFS is perhaps best understood not as a standalone modality but as a rich, generative framework that deepens and organises other therapeutic approaches. It sits comfortably alongside Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (whose defusion techniques offer another pathway to working with parts), Schema Therapy (whose modes bear striking resemblance to IFS parts), EMDR (which can be powerfully integrated with IFS for trauma processing), and Compassion Focused Therapy (which shares IFS’s emphasis on developing compassionate self-relationship).

For practitioners working across multiple frameworks, IFS offers what might be called a meta-map — a way of understanding the internal landscape that gives shape and direction to interventions drawn from many sources.


Conclusion: The Courage to Go Inside

Ultimately, IFS therapy is an invitation to curiosity over judgement, to compassion over shame, to relationship over exile. It asks clients to do something both simple and profoundly courageous: to turn toward their own inner world with the same warmth and interest they might offer a dear friend.

The parts of us that cause us the most distress are rarely our enemies. They are, more often, the oldest and most loyal parts of ourselves — still working, long after the need has passed, from strategies learned in more dangerous times. When we can see them clearly, appreciate their efforts, and help them lay down their burdens, what emerges is not fragmentation but wholeness: a richer, more spacious sense of self, capable of greater authenticity, deeper connection, and genuine wellbeing.


This article is intended for professional and educational purposes. If you are interested in exploring IFS-informed therapy for yourself, please speak with a qualified mental health practitioner.

Related Post

Inattentional Blindness: What else are we missing?Inattentional Blindness: What else are we missing?

Inattentional Blindness is the failure to notice an unexpected object in a visual display.

Cognitive Psychology is an approach to understanding human cognition by observing behaviour of people performing cognitive tasks. It is concerned with the internal processes involved in making sense of our environment, and deciding what behaviour to be appropriate. These processes include attention, perception, learning, memory, language, problem-solving, reasoning, and thinking.

Re-write: Distract!

The most famous experiment that shows evidence for inattentional blindness is the Simons and Chabris (1999) experiment where an audience or viewer watches a group of people pass a ball to one another wearing either black or white, and a woman dressed as a gorilla enters the frame for 9 seconds, then walks off. Results reported that 50% of the observers did not notice the gorilla enter the frame. In all honesty, when I saw the video for the first time at university, I did not see the gorilla enter the frame either.

In reality, we are often aware of changes in our visual environment because we detect motion cues accompanying the change. This information suggests that our ability to detect visual changes is not only due to the detection of movement. An obvious explanation of the gorilla experiment findings is that the visual representations we form in our mind are sparse and incomplete because they depend on our limited attentional focus. Simons and Rensick (2005) point out that there are other explanations, such as: detailed and complete representations may exist initially but may either decay rapidly or be overwritten by a subsequent stimulus. It needs to be said that in the gorilla experiment, the observers are instructed to count how many times the ball passes, so really, our attention is deliberately compromised. The real-life implications of inattentional blindness reveals the role of selective attention in human perception. Inattentional blindness represents a consequence of this critical process that allows us to remain focused on important aspects of our world without distraction from seemingly irrelevant objects and events.

Being present, in the moment (mindfulness) can help aid our attention. Distractions such as using our mobile phones, advertising material, other people, “multi-tasking” and internal emotional states all contribute to our lack of focus and attention. Think of a magician’s ability to manipulate their audiences attention in order to prevent them from seeing how a trick is performed. There are also safety implications, as you would know … if you’ve been paying attention, haha.

Just food for thought, my readers, and friends 🙂

Emotional Intelligence (EI)Emotional Intelligence (EI)

Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to understand and regulate your own emotions, as well as identify and influence the emotions of others’. The term was first coined in 1990 by researchers John Mayer and Peter Salovey and was later popularised by psychologist Daniel Goleman.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability perceive, control, and evaluate your emotions. Some people can do this with ease while others require practice in this area. This ability is necessary for anyone who wants to function effectively in a society – it pertains directly to our ability to interact well with others and respond effectively when situations are outside our control.

EI is best described as a way of thinking that enables people to perceive their own emotions, understand the emotional states of others, and behave appropriately in response (Cherry, 2022). People with high EI can feel empathy for others, determine their own emotional responses (including the process of suppressing an emotion as a defence mechanism), and think through situations before responding emotionally. Emotional intelligence is strongly linked to many positive outcomes. Those with high EI are likely to become financially stable, have meaningful and healthy relationships, respond effectively to stress, and maintain desirable physical and mental health (Salovey & Mayer, 1990). They are also likely to avoid dangerous situations (such as driving under the influence), interrupt negative thinking patterns, and use healthy coping skills rather than self-destructive or maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Here are some key features of a person with high emotional intelligence (Drigas & Papoutsi 2018):
– An ability to identify how they are feeling (i.e., the can name what they’re feeling)
– An ability to identify how others are feeling
– An awareness of strengths and weaknesses
– The ability to let go of mistakes and forgive others
– The ability to accept change
– Curiosity about oneself and others
– The capacity for empathy and compassion
– The ability to regulate emotions in the moment

The ability to regulate emotions is a skill that anybody can learn with practice.

How to develop emotional intelligence

The following tips may be helpful if you’re interested in developing or improving your emotional intelligence. Pioneers in the field Salovey and Mayer (1990) have identified four levels of emotional intelligence that are person should aim to move through in order – these are:

1. Perceiving emotions: The first step is to be able to acknowledge that emotions are occurring in the first place. This might involve understanding nonverbal signals from other people or associating internal bodily states with certain emotions. Some clients, especially those who have suffered from trauma, may have a sense of detachment from their bodies, making it difficult to discern emotional states. As such, this lack of internal data will make it harder to recognize emotional states in others. Practicing mindfulness and other self-awareness exercises can help clients to perceive their emotions more effectively.

2. Reasoning with emotions: Once an emotion has been identified, the second step is to learn how to think about emotions appropriately. Many people will shut down in the presence of strong emotions, but emotions can be used to promote thinking and cognitive activity. Developing a sense of curiosity and openness toward emotions can help to facilitate this process, and result in less aversion towards certain experiences.

3. Understanding emotions: The third step is understanding the meaning of emotions in more detail and recognising complex relationships between different emotions. Once emotions are perceived and reasoned with, a person can evaluate them and find the underlying causes of them. This is where emotional intelligence really starts to develop, as it fosters the ability to become less reactive to emotional content and learn to listen deeply to emotions and discern their origins.

4. Managing emotions: Finally, in the fourth step we learn to regulate emotions effectively. This involves a person developing their ability to problem-solve and identify healthy coping strategies for dealing with an emotion. It also involves being able to use the skills learnt in previous steps – perceiving, reasoning, and understanding – to resolve emotional conflicts peacefully. This is the highest level of emotional intelligence.

Generally, building emotional awareness through mindfulness helps to propagate EI within oneself, and learning to perceive nonverbal cues helps to attend to others; outlines of these two angles are as follows:

Building Emotional Awareness

Perceiving emotions is the foundational skill of emotional intelligence, and mindfulness has been identified by research as being one of the most efficacious ways of developing this capacity. Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgement or interference. Mindfulness is correlated with greater clarity of feelings and thoughts, and less reactivity and distraction, making it the perfect catalyst for emotional intelligence (Feldman et al., 2007).

Mindfulness generally involves meditative exercises; you sit or lay down, and use the breath and other sensations (i.e., the feeling of feet on the floor, or sounds in the room) to anchor into the experience. As you enter an observational state, encourage yourself to simply notice how your experiences arise, change, and pass away. When using mindfulness to develop emotional awareness, specifically connect to your emotional state. The key focus here is not necessarily on the breath or on acceptance, as per common mindfulness strategies; rather, simply become familiar with the process of having and noticing feelings. If you have difficulty identifying your emotions, try to explore the characteristics of your emotions such as where it is located in the body, how it feels (e.g., warm, cold), how big or small it feels, or perhaps what colour they associate with it.

Regularly performing this exercise will habituate the brain to approach emotions with curiosity rather than avoiding or repressing them. As such, the processes of emotional functioning will become more familiar, resulting in greater emotional intelligence.

Decoding Emotions by Analysing Speech, Body, and Face

Created by Hugo Alberts, this exercise helps people to accurately identify and understand the emotions of other people through ‘reading’ their body language and other nonverbal cues. This is a very valuable skill, as research has shown that cultures all around the world express emotions through similar facial expressions (Friesen, 1972). Similarly, it has been found that deciphering body language can accurately provide insight into emotional states such as anger, fear, pride, joy, and more (Gelder & van der Stock, 2011). Speech patterns are a more nuanced area than body language and facial expressions, but valuable nonetheless; people use thousands of micro semantic terms to express their emotions beyond the words themselves (Sabini & Silver, 2005). By learning to attune to these three aspects of communication (i.e., face, body, speech), a person will be able to exercise enhanced emotional intelligence with the people in their life.


One activity to develop this skill is to use videos that you are familiar with (e.g., films or tv shows) and to spend time evaluating how the actors use speech, body, and face to communicate their emotions. Depending on your current level of EI, you might be able to identify the emotions being expressed but not understand the role of nonverbal cues to communicate this. Another strategy would be to become more self-aware of your own nonverbal conduct during different emotional experiences. Notice your posture, get a sense of your facial expression, notice your stance, hands, chest etc. You could keep a journal of what your speech, face, and body language is like during various experiences throughout the day. Over time, you will come to understand how to decipher these elements and associate them with emotional states. Please be patient with yourself. It is challenging to mindfully pause and think about your nonverbal language when you’re caught in an emotional experience. You may like to ask others whom you trust to give you feedback.

Additional skills

Having covered the internal (emotional awareness through mindfulness) and the external (nonverbal cues), you can then use these new understandings to develop further practical skills. A person can embody emotional intelligence by practicing empathy, active listening, and assertiveness.

Empathy

Empathy is the capacity to understand another person’s experience through their frame of reference (Cuff et al., 2014). Whilst an aspect of empathy is being able to relate other people’s experiences to your own, it is further positioning yourself within the other person’s perspective and relating to them from that place. This is what is meant by “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.” Empathy is a useful skill to practice because it both requires and fosters emotional intelligence; EI is required to relate fully to another person and is developed further through this process. It is recommended to cultivate compassion for others when developing empathy. It can be an uncomfortable experience, one which people may resist or tense up against.

Active listening

Activate listening can help conversational partners interact in more meaningful ways. It offers people space to explore their feelings, disclose important information, and feel like they are heard, validated, and cared for. Joseph Topornycky has identified some fundamental attributes of active listening (2016). These include:

  • Being non-judgmental: Reserving judgment allows speakers to exercise freedom in exploring and expressing their ideas and feelings.
  • Patience: Being patient when somebody is speaking, and not rushing them or interrupting them, is crucial for them to feel heard and understood.
  • Minimal encouragers: These are small indications of engagement, such as nods and smiles, as well as words like yep, mm-hmm, uh-huh, and more.
  • Questions: Asking the person questions will show that you are interested in what has been said and are engaged enough to want to know more.
  • Summaries: It can be a useful bonding behaviour to repeat what the person has just said back to them, but in different words.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is often be perceived as rudeness, however, if the person communicating in an assertive way maintains a compassionate undertone, it is very effective for improving EI and self-esteem. Many people lack EI because they were never taught or encouraged to explore their emotions and express their feelings. By learning to express ourselves truthfully and appropriately, a person can validate themselves, protect themselves and set boundaries with others (Makino, 2010).


One way to practice this is through role playing with a counsellor or someone you trust. You can also practice by yourself, playing the role of both parties in an interaction. Practice expressing what is most important for you in a conversation and express the emotion e.g., “I feel worthless, like nobody cares about my opinion” and then offer yourself assurance as if you are the other person e.g., “I really value your opinion, and I am interested in hearing it.”).

If you’re someone who hasn’t been able to assert your needs, wants or feelings in the past, you may feel rude initially. Like I always tell my clients,

  1. self-awareness is always the first step so you may need to spend time meditating, educating yourself, or reflecting on what it is you’re feeling, what you want or need. The second step is to:
  2. identify what you think or feel you need to do
  3. allow that to be there (try not to resist your reality – what we resist persists)
  4. make an intention to ask for your needs or wants – or express your emotions with language
  5. act on your intention

References

Cherry, K. (2022, August 3). How emotionally intelligent are you? Verywell Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-intelligence-2795423#citation-5

Cuff, B. M. P., Brown, S. J., Taylor, L., & Howat, D. J. (2014). Empathy: A review of the concept. Emotion Review, 8(2), 144–153. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073914558466

De Gelder, B., van den Stock, J., Meeren, H. K. M., Sinke, C. B. A., Kret, M. E., & Tamietto, M. (2010). Standing up for the body: Recent progress in uncovering the networks involved in the perception of bodies and bodily expressions. Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 34, 513–527.

Drigas AS, Papoutsi C. A new layered model on emotional intelligence. Behav Sci (Basel). 2018;8(5):45. doi:10.3390/bs8050045

Feldman, G., Hayes, A., Kumar, S., Greeson, J., & Laurenceau, J.-P. (2007). Mindfulness and emotion regulation: The development and initial validation of the Cognitive and Affective Mindfulness Scale-Revised (CAMSR). Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 29, 177–190.

Friesen, W. V. (1972). Cultural differences in facial expression in a social situation: An experimental test of the concept of display rules. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. University of California San Francisco

Gosling, M. (n.d.). MSCEIT 1 Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence. Retrieved from https://www.mikegosling.com/pdf/MSCEITDescription.pdf

Makino, H. (2010). Humility-empathy-assertiveness-respect test. PsycTESTS Dataset. https://doi.org/10.1037/t06420-000

Mayer, J. D., Salovey, P., & Caruso, D. R. (2012). Mayer-Salovey-Caruso emotional intelligence test. PsycTESTS Dataset. https://doi.org/10.1037/t05047-000

Sabini, J., & Silver, M. (2005). Why emotion names and experiences don’t neatly pair. Psychological Inquiry, 16, 1-10.

Salovey P, Mayer J. Emotional Intelligence. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality. 1990;9(3):185-211.

Topornycky, J. (2016, June). Balancing openness and interpretation in active listening – researchgate. Retrieved October 23, 2022, from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/315974687_Balancing_Openness_and_Interpretation_in_Active_Listening

Understanding self-harm, self-injury, and self-destructionUnderstanding self-harm, self-injury, and self-destruction

What is meant by self-harm?

Self-harm is any behaviour that involves the deliberate causing of pain or injury to oneself without the intention to end your life. Self-harm can include behaviours such as cutting, burning or hitting oneself, binge-eating or starvation, or repeatedly putting oneself in dangerous situations. It can also involve abuse of drugs or alcohol, including overdosing on prescription medications. Self-harm is usually a response to distress, whether it be from mental illness, trauma, or psychological pain. Some people find that the physical pain of self-harm helps provide temporary relief from emotional pain (extract from Self harm (lifeline.org.au)).

People who engage in self-harm will profess that they have no intention of dying and that their self-harming behaviour is a coping strategy, however, there are incidents of accidental suicide. The act of self-harm can develop into an obsessive-compulsion experience which can be very difficult to stop, like addiction, without outside intervention. This can result in feelings of hopelessness and possible suicidal thinking. Like building a tolerance to a drug, when self-injury does not relieve the tension or help control negative thoughts and feelings, the person may injure themselves more severely or may start to believe they can no longer control their pain and may consider suicide.

The following extract by Tracy Alderman Ph.D explains the physiological response to physical pain:

“Physiologically, endorphins are released when we are injured or stressed. Endorphins are neurotransmitters that act similarly to morphine and reduce the amount of pain we experience when we are hurt. Joggers often report experiencing a “runners high” when reaching a physically stressful period. This “high” is the physiological reaction to the release of endorphins – the masking of pain by a substance that mimics morphine. When people self-injure, the same process takes place. Endorphins are released which limit or block the amount of physical pain that’s experienced. Sometimes people who intentionally hurt themselves will even say that they felt a “rush” or “high” from the act. Given the role of endorphins, this makes perfect sense” (Oct 22, 2009).

Please click on the link for the full article Myths and Misconceptions of Self-Injury: Part II | Psychology Today Australia

The first step is to distinguish between self-harming and suicidal behaviour by paying attention to a person’s underlying motivation. When working with self-harming behaviour it is important to remember that this behaviour serves a purpose. In collaboration with the client, try to identify what problem self-harm solves for the client. For example, from the client’s perspective:

  • To make me feel real (counteracts dissociation)
  • To punish me (temporarily lessens guilt or shame)
  • To stop me from feeling (when strong feelings are too dangerous)
  • To mark the body (to show externally the internal scars)
  • To let something bad out (symbolic way to try to get rid of shame, pain, etc.)
  • To remember
  • To keep from hurting someone else (to control my behaviour and my anger)
  • To communicate (to let someone know how bad the pain is)
  • To express anger indirectly (to punish someone without getting them angry at me)
  • To reclaim control of the body (this time I’m in charge)
  • To feel better

Tips for helping yourself in the moment
It can be hard for people who self-harm to stop it by themselves. That’s why it’s important to get further help if needed; however, the ideas below may be helpful to start relieving some distress:

  • Intense exercise for 30 seconds, 30 second break, repeat, up to 15 minutes – Exercising intensely will help your body mitigate unpleasant energy that can sometimes be stored from strong emotions. Transfer this energy by running, walking at a fast pace, doing jumping jacks, etc. Exercise naturally releases endorphins which will help combat any negative emotions like anger, anxiety, or sadness.
  • Delay — put off self-harming behaviours until you have spoken to someone.
  • Distract — do some exercise, go for a walk, play a game, do something kind for yourself, play loud music or use positive coping strategies.
  • Deep breathing — or other relaxation methods.
  • Cool your body temperature – Cooler temperatures decrease your heart rate (which is usually faster when we are emotionally overwhelmed). You can either splash your face with cold water, take a cold (but not too cold) shower, or if the weather outside is chilly you can go outside for a walk. Another idea is to take an ice cube and hold it in your hand or rub your face with it.
  • Listen to loud music
  • Call someone you trust or one of the services available like LifeLine 13 11 14, MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78 and BeyondBlue 1300 22 4636 [see below].
  • You could write an email to yourself to express your emotions, or journal your feelings, if that’s something that might be effective for you.
  • Watch humorous Youtube clips

New, healthier coping strategies may not be as effective as the one you’re trying to replace so it may take practice. Bring lots of compassion to yourself, okay.

You may find that some of these strategies work in some situations but not others, or you may find that you need to use a combination of these. It’s important to find what works for you. Also, remember that these are not long-term solutions to self-harm but rather, useful short-term alternatives for relieving distress.

Mental health services infographic