Webb Therapy Uncategorized Suicidality: Talking About Suicide and Support

Suicidality: Talking About Suicide and Support

Supporting someone who’s having thoughts of suicide is one of the most important, and at times most challenging, parts of a support persons role. People who experience suicidality can vary from passing ideas to serious planning and often come from a place of deep emotional pain. We all have a duty to respond with care, compassion, and an attempt to understand the experience in a way that keeps safety at the heart of every conversation.

Firstly, if you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please know that you’re not broken or beyond help. These thoughts often come when emotional pain feels unbearable and we can’t see a way out. But things can shift, and help is available. We may spend much of our time alone, and we can feel alone even in a crowded room, but you are not alone in this. Suicidality is not uncommon.

The Numbers Today

According to the latest figures (ABS, 2023):

Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians aged 15 to 44.

In 2022, over 3,100 people died by suicide—about 8.6 deaths each day.

Men account for 75% of those deaths, though women attempt suicide more often (but less often fatally).

According to the Black Dog Institute, roughly 65,000 Australians attempt suicide each year, while around 3,200 die by suicide annually.

Rates among Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples are more than double the national average.

People living in rural and remote areas face higher suicide risks due to isolation, limited services, and other pressures.

Why Does the Mind Think About Suicide?

From a humanistic psychology point of view, suicidal thoughts are not signs of illness or failure, they are a deep emotional signal that something in your life or environment needs care, change, or healing.

Each person and living creature on the planet are inherently worthy, with an innate drive to survive, grow, connect, and for humans, find meaning. When life feels full of suffering, such as grief, isolation, trauma, shame, or hopelessness, the mind may start to believe that death is the only way to stop the pain.

In this view, suicidal thoughts are often not about wanting to die—but about wanting the pain to stop.

They arise when:

You feel disconnected from others or from yourself.

You feel stuck in circumstances that seem unchangeable.

You believe your worth or purpose has been lost.

You’re exhausted from holding on or pretending you’re okay.

But the humanistic perspective also holds this powerful truth: you are more than your pain, and within you is a capacity for healing, choice, and change, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Treat Yourself with Compassion, Not Criticism

It’s easy to get caught in a spiral of self-blame. But you are not weak or selfish. You are a human being who is hurting—and just like you wouldn’t shame someone for being in physical pain, you deserve the same care when your pain is emotional.

Ask yourself:

If someone I loved felt this way, what would I want them to know?

Then try to offer yourself the same kindness.

Reach Out – Connection Saves Lives

Talking to someone can ease the intensity of what you’re feeling. You don’t have to explain everything. Just saying, “I’m not okay right now,” is enough to start.

Lifeline 13 11 14

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636

13YARN (Support for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples): 13 92 76

QLife – National LGBTQIA+ Peer Support and Referral Service: 1800 184 527

Hours: 3pm – Midnight (local time), every day

What they offer: Confidential, non-judgemental, and inclusive support from trained LGBTQIA+ peer workers. They are not a crisis line like Lifeline, but they can support people in distress and connect you with further help if you’re at risk.

How Counselling Can Help: Evidence-Based Approaches

Counsellors and Psychologists don’t rely on guesswork when helping someone who’s feeling suicidal. They use researched strategies to support recovery. Here are a few key approaches:

Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality (CAMS): This method focuses on working together with the person in distress, rather than telling them what to do. It aims reduce suicidal thoughts more effectively than traditional therapy.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Suicide Prevention (CBT-SP): This version of CBT focuses specifically on managing suicidal thoughts by teaching problem-solving and positive thinking strategies.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT): Originally designed for people with intense emotions or borderline personality disorder, DBT is now widely used to reduce suicide risk by teaching emotional regulation, mindfulness, and better relationship skills.

Safety Planning: This involves creating a personalised plan for what someone can do when they feel at risk, including who to call, calming strategies, and safe places to go.

Means Restriction Counselling: This involves helping someone reduce their access to anything they might use to harm themselves, like certain medications or weapons, done through sensitive, respectful conversations.

Barriers to Speaking Up

Even with growing public awareness, there’s still a strong stigma around suicide. Many people worry they’ll be judged, locked up, or shamed if they admit they’re struggling. These fears can stop people from reaching out for help, which is why creating a safe, non-judgmental space is so important in counselling.


Rural and Remote Communities

People in regional and remote parts of Australia often find it harder to access mental health support. Telehealth (online or phone sessions) has helped bridge that gap, but it’s not always easy to pick up on non-verbal cues or respond to crises from a distance.


Cultural Awareness Matters

For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, suicide cannot be separated from the impacts of colonisation, loss of culture, and ongoing trauma. Culturally safe, community-led solutions are essential and more effective in these contexts.

Remember That Feelings Change—Even the Darkest Ones

It may not feel like it right now, but these feelings will pass. Emotions are like waves—sometimes crashing, sometimes calm—but never permanent.

What you feel today is not a life sentence. With support and time, things can change. You deserve the chance to see what healing and hope feel like.

Safe Haven NSW Services (for suicidal distress, NOT EDs)

Safe Havens are calm, non-clinical spaces where you can talk with peer workers and mental health clinicians if you’re in emotional crisis — no appointment needed.

No police or emergency involvement unless requested or necessary.

Warm, trauma-informed and recovery-focused.

🔗Find your local Safe Haven: nsw.gov.au/mental-health-initiatives/safe-haven

Examples:

Safe Haven locations across NSW — these are welcoming, non-clinical places where anyone feeling suicidal or in deep distress can drop in and speak to peer workers or mental health clinicians. No appointment, referral, or Medicare card needed. Visit the following for operating hours and locations across NSW: Safe Haven


Regional & Metro Locations

Campbelltown / Ambarvale (SWSLHD)

Address: 80 Woodhouse Drive, Ambarvale (Campbelltown area)

Open Mon, Fri, Sat, Sun 2 – 9 pm

Phone: 0457 093 109 during hours swslhd.health.nsw.gov.au

North Ryde (Macquarie Hospital)

For youth aged 12–17 (sometimes to 18 if still at school)

Open daily 4 – 8 pm and public holidays nslhd.health.nsw.gov.au

Parramatta / Westmead

Drop-in at 26 Grand Ave, Westmead

Open Sun–Wed 3:30 – 9:30 pm

Phone: 0436 377 113

Bega Safe Haven, Bega, NSW, Australia, Supports 14 + in a calm, welcoming space.

Broken Hill Safe Haven, Broken Hill, NSW, Australia, Supports 17 + with peer and clinician support 

Brookvale Safe Haven, Brookvale, NSW, Australia, High‑school aged young people support

Darlinghurst Safe Haven,

Darlinghurst, NSW, Australia, 16 + LGBTQIA+ inclusive spot at St Vincent’s

St Vincent’s O’Brien Centre, 390 Victoria Street, Darlinghurst NSW 2010

Hours: Monday: closed, Tuesday: closed, Wednesday: 5:00pm – 8:30pm​, Thursday: 5:00pm – 8:30pm, Friday: 5:00pm – 8:30pm, Saturday: 12:00pm – 4:00pm, Sunday: 12:00pm – 4:00pm​.

Gosford Safe Haven, General adult Safe Haven

Corner of Ambulance Road and Holden Street, Gosford NSW 2250

Hours: Monday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Tuesday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Wednesday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Thursday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Friday: 9:00am – 4:30pm, Saturday: closed, Sunday: closed, Closed on public holidays​

Phone: (02) 4394 1597​​

Kogarah Safe Haven, Kogarah, NSW, Australia,16 + adults,

U2/15 Kensington St, Kogarah NSW 2217

Phone: (02) 9113 2981

Related Post

Understanding Complex Trauma and How It Shapes the Human Mind, Body, and BehaviourUnderstanding Complex Trauma and How It Shapes the Human Mind, Body, and Behaviour

A peer-reviewed exploration of how unresolved trauma rewires the brain, regulates the nervous system, and silently orchestrates our everyday lives.


There is a particular kind of suffering that doesn’t announce itself with a single, datable event. It doesn’t always arrive in the form of a car accident, a natural disaster, or a violent assault — the traumas most commonly depicted in clinical textbooks. Instead, it accumulates. It seeps in through years of emotional neglect, through childhoods spent walking on eggshells, through relationships that felt unsafe, through the ongoing experience of being small in a world that felt threatening. This is complex trauma, and its effects are as pervasive as they are often invisible — to others, and sometimes even to the person living inside them.

In 1994, psychiatrist and Harvard scholar Judith Lewis Herman first articulated the concept of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) in her landmark book Trauma and Recovery, arguing that the diagnostic framework available at the time failed to capture the full range of psychological devastation wrought by prolonged, repeated traumatisation — particularly when it occurs in childhood, within relationships, and from which there is little or no escape (Herman, 1992). Decades later, the World Health Organisation formally recognised C-PTSD as a distinct diagnosis in its ICD-11 classification (2019), distinguishing it from standard PTSD as a more severe subtype that is more common following repeated interpersonal trauma, with prominent disturbances of emotion regulation, self-identity, and relational capacities.

But the question that haunts clinicians, researchers, and the people living with it remains: how, exactly, does trauma get under the skin? And what does it actually look like — not in a clinical checklist, but in the texture of a real human life?


The Brain on Alert: What Trauma Does to Your Neurobiology

To understand complex trauma, we first need to understand what happens inside the brain when threat — especially repeated threat — rewires the system designed to protect us.

The human stress response is centred on what is sometimes called the threat triad: the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex. The hippocampus, amygdala, and the medial prefrontal cortex are all important limbic structures involved in the processes that undermine mental health, and hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system with sustained allostatic load along the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) axis has been theorised as the basis for adult psychopathology following early childhood trauma.

In plain terms: when a threat is perceived, the amygdala — our brain’s alarm system — fires first. The amygdala instantly sends signals to the hypothalamus and brainstem, which results in activation of the autonomic nervous system and secretion of cortisol and catecholamines, the key drivers of stress reactions. This is adaptive. Under normal circumstances, once the danger passes, the prefrontal cortex helps regulate the alarm back down. But when stress is chronic — when there is no “once the danger passes” — the system becomes recalibrated.

Research has demonstrated what happens to these structures under prolonged duress. Chronic stress exposure leads to dendritic atrophy in the prefrontal cortex, dendritic extension in the amygdala, and strengthening of the noradrenergic system. High levels of norepinephrine release during stress rapidly impair the top-down cognitive functions of the prefrontal cortex, while strengthening the emotional and habitual responses of the amygdala. In other words: the rational, regulating part of the brain shrinks back; the reactive, threat-detecting part grows stronger.

Neuroimaging data reinforces this picture. Research consistently shows altered connectivity between the insula, amygdala, and prefrontal regions in individuals with PTSD, with hyperactivation of the amygdala and insula coupled with hypoactivation of prefrontal regions during emotion processing and regulation tasks — an altered connectivity pattern thought to contribute to heightened threat sensitivity and difficulties in emotion regulation.

The world’s largest childhood trauma study, published in 2024 by researchers at the University of Essex, uncovered a disruption in neural networks involved in self-focus and problem-solving, meaning that those under 18 who experienced abuse may struggle with emotions, empathy, and understanding their own bodies.

This is not metaphorical damage. It is measurable, structural, and neurologically real — and it shapes everything that follows.


The Body Keeps the Score: Physical Manifestations of Unresolved Trauma

Bessel van der Kolk’s seminal phrase — that the body keeps the score — has entered popular consciousness for good reason. It describes something clinicians and survivors have long observed: that unresolved trauma does not stay neatly contained in the mind. It lives in the muscles, the gut, the skin, the breath.

Individuals with C-PTSD often exhibit a heightened or diminished awareness of internal bodily sensations, such as heart rate or respiratory changes, which in turn affects their ability to regulate emotional responses to stress or trauma cues appropriately. This disruption of interoception — the ability to sense and interpret one’s own bodily signals — is central to understanding why so many trauma survivors find it difficult to know what they are feeling, or feel overwhelmed by physical sensations without understanding why.

The autonomic nervous system (ANS), which governs involuntary functions like heart rate, digestion, and breathing, is thrown into chronic dysregulation. Two PTSD subtypes have been proposed: a dissociative (hyporeactive) subtype characterised by extreme inhibition of emotion, and a re-experiencing/hyperaroused subtype characterised by under-modulation of emotion. One person with complex trauma may be perpetually activated — heart racing, muscles braced, breath shallow, unable to relax in quiet moments. Another may feel chronically numb, flat, and disconnected from their own physical experience. Both are responses to the same underlying dysregulation, expressed differently.

Common physical symptoms include persistent sleep difficulties and nightmares, chronic muscle tension, jaw clenching and headaches, gastrointestinal problems, and an exaggerated startle response — the flinch at a door slamming, the spike of panic at an unexpected touch. Perhaps most confounding is the presence of chronic pain without a clear medical explanation, which is increasingly understood not as psychosomatic dismissal but as a genuine physiological consequence of a nervous system that has been held in prolonged fight-flight-freeze activation.

Symptoms related to arousal and reactivity — such as irritability, hypervigilance, and sleep disturbances — are associated with dysregulation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, increased activity of the noradrenergic system, and weakened inhibition of limbic systems by the frontal cortex. Together, these neurobiological changes sustain the chronic dysregulation of systems responsible for fear, arousal, and emotional control.

For many survivors, these physical symptoms are the first — or only — place the trauma appears. They visit doctors for fatigue, for chronic pain, for digestive issues, never connecting these to experiences that may have happened decades earlier. The body, as van der Kolk observed, never forgets.


The Emotional Landscape: Feeling Too Much, Feeling Nothing, or Oscillating Between the Two

The emotional signature of complex trauma is not one thing. It is a constellation — and it is often internally contradictory. Survivors may describe feeling intense, overwhelming emotion that seems disproportionate to any visible trigger, while also describing long stretches of emotional numbness or flatness, as though a dimmer switch has been turned down on their inner life.

Complex PTSD was formulated to include, in addition to the core PTSD symptoms, dysregulation in three psychobiological areas: emotion processing, self-organisation (including bodily integrity), and relational security. The emotional dysregulation that characterises C-PTSD is not simply moodiness or sensitivity — it is a nervous system that has lost the capacity for flexible, graduated response, instead lurching between extremes: flooded and overwhelmed, or shut down and dissociated.

Shame is a central emotional feature, often more prominent than fear in complex trauma — particularly when the trauma was interpersonal and relational. Individuals with clinical levels of dissociation display increased levels of both state and trait guilt and shame, coupled with a tendency toward social withdrawal and an obsessive preoccupation with social interactions. This shame is not a rational judgement. It is somatic, preverbal, often arriving before conscious thought, producing a pervasive sense of being fundamentally flawed or different from other people.

Other common emotional experiences include persistent anxiety or a low-grade, free-floating dread that is hard to attribute to any single cause; depression; grief; and a deep difficulty trusting others — not as a choice, but as a nervous system default shaped by past experience of betrayal or abandonment. Rapid mood shifts, difficulty feeling pleasure, and a sense of being disconnected from oneself or from one’s life are also frequently reported.

What makes the emotional experience of complex trauma so disorienting — and so often misunderstood by others — is that these responses are frequently not linked to what is visibly happening in the present. A benign comment, a tone of voice, the smell of a particular place: these can trigger a cascade of emotion that, to an outside observer, seems entirely out of proportion. The key word is trigger — and it speaks to a nervous system that has learned to pattern-match present cues to past danger with alarming efficiency.


The Cognitive Architecture of Trauma: How It Reshapes Thought

Complex trauma does not merely colour how a person feels. It rewrites how they think — about the world, about other people, and most profoundly, about themselves.

Prolonged and complex trauma exposure leads to the establishment of highly probable hypotheses — for example, perceiving situations as unsafe or others as inherently dangerous — that are based on the impact of the trauma and the physiological response it triggers. Such trauma-based predictions often get reactivated in later situations, regardless of whether they match current sensory data, allowing them to override actual perceptions and elicit negative emotions tied to present circumstances instead of being correctly attributed to past events.

This is one of the most important — and least appreciated — aspects of complex trauma: it is a predictive system. The brain, having learned that certain patterns were dangerous, pre-empts new experience by applying old templates. What looks from the outside like an irrational response is, from inside the traumatised nervous system, a completely logical extension of what was learned.

Common cognitive patterns include intrusive thoughts and unwanted memories that break through without warning; flashbacks, in which the emotional and sensory reality of a past event is re-experienced as though it were happening now; difficulty concentrating; and what many survivors describe as “brain fog” — a sense of mental slowness or inability to think clearly that reflects the prefrontal cortex’s compromised functioning.

Dissociation deserves particular attention here. Trauma-related dissociation is a biological response to a stressful event in which the victim finds themselves in a completely helpless situation, to which the body responds by stopping processing perceptual, cognitive, and emotional information. In complex trauma, this can manifest as memory gaps, a sense of watching oneself from the outside (depersonalisation), feelings that the world is unreal or dreamlike (derealisation), or the more complete “spacing out” that renders a person temporarily absent from a conversation or situation. Far from being a dramatic phenomenon, many survivors experience low-grade, everyday dissociation — the phenomenon of “losing” large portions of a day, or not being able to remember much of childhood.

Complex trauma occurring within attachment relationships would interrupt emotional development and the development of social cognition and social information processing. This manifests in the cognitive realm as difficulty reading social situations accurately, misinterpreting others’ intentions (typically in the direction of perceived threat), and an impaired capacity for what researchers call mentalisation — the ability to understand one’s own and others’ mental states. Relationships become cognitively exhausting and confusing, because the mental models built from early experience are fundamentally distorted.

Negative core beliefs — “I am not safe,” “I am worthless,” “I am different from everyone else,” “I am fundamentally broken” — are not conscious intellectual conclusions. They are deeply embedded assumptions, formed in the crucible of early experience, that filter all subsequent perception. A compliment slides off; a criticism confirms what was already “known.”


The Behavioural Imprint: How Trauma Lives in What We Do

Perhaps the most visible — and most judged — dimension of complex trauma is its behavioural expression. The patterns that emerge from unresolved trauma are, in a very real sense, adaptations: strategies that once served survival and have since become habits the nervous system cannot easily relinquish.

Hypervigilance is one of the most consistent. The person who scans a room upon entering, who monitors tone of voice and facial expressions with exhausting precision, who cannot sit with their back to the door — this is not anxiety in the ordinary sense. It is a nervous system executing a threat-detection protocol that was once, in a different context, an entirely rational response to an unpredictable or dangerous environment.

Avoidance — of people, places, conversations, and feelings that echo past pain — is another core feature. Avoidance mechanisms are associated with reduced functional connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and limbic structures, reflecting processes of emotional and cognitive suppression related to trauma. The problem is that avoidance, while offering short-term relief from activation, prevents the nervous system from ever learning that the avoided thing is no longer dangerous. The threat remains vivid and alive precisely because it is never re-encountered in safety.

People-pleasing and difficulty setting limits are particularly prevalent in those whose early trauma occurred within attachment relationships — where expressing needs was dangerous, and whose sense of safety became contingent on managing others’ emotional states. The adult who cannot say no, who exhausts themselves maintaining social harmony, who feels profound guilt or dread at the prospect of disappointing anyone, is often unconsciously re-enacting the relational dynamics of a much earlier, much more constrained world.

At the other end of the behavioural spectrum: sudden anger, emotional outbursts, or what appears to others as aggression or volatility. The affective domain problems characteristic of C-PTSD are evidenced by heightened emotional reactivity, violent outbursts, reckless or self-destructive behaviour, or a tendency towards experiencing prolonged dissociative states when under stress. These are not character flaws. They are the product of a regulatory system that was never properly developed, because the environment that should have co-regulated it — usually a safe, consistent caregiver — was not consistently available.

Increased use of alcohol, substances, or other numbing or regulating behaviours is extremely common, and again, makes perfect adaptive sense: when the nervous system cannot regulate itself, external means of regulation become necessary.

Perhaps the most enduring behavioural signature is the re-enactment of relational patterns. Complex PTSD is associated with traumatic events that start earlier in life and are perpetrated by acquaintances or family members. When the source of trauma is relational — a parent, a partner, a sibling — the nervous system learns that intimate relationships carry particular qualities: unpredictability, danger, simultaneous need and threat. Those templates, if unaddressed, get applied to future intimate relationships with remarkable fidelity, producing cycles of conflict, dependency, or distrust that can baffle and exhaust both the survivor and those around them.


The Hidden Prevalence: Who Is Affected, and Why It Goes Unrecognised

A critical but often overlooked dimension of complex trauma is the breadth of experience it encompasses. While the public imagination tends toward extreme, dramatic events, trauma is substantially broader. Trauma exposure is common — lifetime estimates in the United States range from 50% to 89%, and in an international study of 69,000 adults, 70% reported lifetime exposure to a traumatic event and 30.5% reported being exposed to four or more traumatic events.

Crucially, C-PTSD is a stress-related mental disorder generally occurring in response to complex traumas — commonly prolonged or repetitive exposure to traumatic events from which one sees little or no chance to escape. This includes, but is not limited to, childhood neglect, emotional abuse, domestic violence, bullying, medical trauma, community violence, and the cumulative stress of marginalisation and systemic inequality. The question is not only what happened, but how long, how often, and within what relationship.

One of the most striking clinical observations is the capacity of highly traumatised individuals to present as high-functioning — capable, competent, even successful externally, while carrying an enormous internal burden. The dissociative and compensatory strategies that trauma produces can be extraordinarily effective at maintaining surface functionality, making it difficult for others — and sometimes the person themselves — to recognise that anything is wrong. The absence of obvious distress does not equal the absence of suffering.

Patients with CPTSD report earlier onset of trauma, more trauma perpetrated by acquaintances or family members, and more comorbidities than those with PTSD. This comorbidity — with depression, anxiety disorders, substance use, chronic pain, and personality difficulties — means that complex trauma is often treated piecemeal, its symptoms addressed in isolation from their common root.


The Path Forward: What Healing Requires

Understanding complex trauma is not merely an academic exercise. It is, for millions of people, the difference between a lifetime of confusion about why they are the way they are, and a coherent framework that opens the door to recovery.

The same neuroplasticity that allows the brain to be shaped by trauma also provides the basis for healing and recovery — the brain can re-wire, the nervous system can regain regulation, and evidence-based trauma therapies and intentional lifestyle practices offer concrete pathways to support this healing process.

Treatment approaches specifically designed for complex trauma — including trauma-focused CBT, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), and phase-based approaches such as STAIR — aim to work not just with conscious narrative but with the body, the nervous system, and the deep relational wounds that lie at C-PTSD’s core. Techniques such as Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, which has been found effective in addressing C-PTSD symptomology, incorporate elements designed to enhance interoceptive tolerance and accuracy, facilitating a more nuanced understanding and integration of bodily sensations with corresponding emotional states.

The recognition that persists through all the research is this: complex trauma is not a weakness of character, not a failure of resilience, and not a permanent state. It is a deeply human response to experiences that exceeded the capacity of the nervous system to integrate — often with very limited support and at a very young age. Its symptoms, however disruptive, are adaptations that once served a purpose. The task of healing is not to extinguish those adaptations by force, but to slowly build the safety, the relational experience, and the neurological capacity from which they are no longer needed.

If something in this article resonates — if you recognise patterns that keep repeating, reactions that feel disproportionate to present circumstances, or a persistent difficulty feeling safe, calm, or connected — it may be worth exploring with a qualified therapist who works with trauma. The body remembers. But it can also, with time and the right conditions, learn something new.


References

Three rules for identifying abnormal child sexual behavioursThree rules for identifying abnormal child sexual behaviours

Retrieved and edited 06/12/2021 from “Voice of Experience: Three rules for identifying abnormal child sexual behaviors” by Gregory K. Moffatt, a veteran counsellor with more than 30 years experience. If you are a survivor of sexual trauma at any age, I encourage you not to read this article.

From the perspective of Moffatt’s professional experience, childhood sexual behaviours can be grouped into three categories: 1. normal behaviours, 2. behaviours that are not normal but not unusual, and 3. behaviours that are abnormal or statistically rare. For the purpose of this post, I will be replacing the word “normal” with “natural” and/or “common” moving forward.


Rule No. 1: Natural or common sexual behaviours in children are never forced. The exploration is mutual. While one child likely had the idea first, both children must participate freely. This doesn’t mean that two children might willingly agree to engage in abnormal sexual behaviours, however, therefore read the next to rules for clarification.


Rule No. 2: Natural or common sexual behaviours in children are never painful. Children who behave within cultural and developmental norms will stop what they are doing when they realise they have caused pain.


Rule No. 3: Natural or common sexual behaviour in children is never invasive. Natural childhood curiosity does not include inserting objects or one’s own body parts into the cavities of others — anus, vagina, mouth, etc.


I’m unsure why Moffatt didn’t make this a 4th rule – he did add that most of the time, this type of childhood behaviour occurs between children of similar age. It is highly unusual for a young child to sexually engage with a teen without violating one of the three rules above. That behaviour definitely calls for further investigation. And, certainly, any sexual interaction between an adult and a child is cause for mandated reporting.

Understanding self-harm, self-injury, and self-destructionUnderstanding self-harm, self-injury, and self-destruction

What is meant by self-harm?

Self-harm is any behaviour that involves the deliberate causing of pain or injury to oneself without the intention to end your life. Self-harm can include behaviours such as cutting, burning or hitting oneself, binge-eating or starvation, or repeatedly putting oneself in dangerous situations. It can also involve abuse of drugs or alcohol, including overdosing on prescription medications. Self-harm is usually a response to distress, whether it be from mental illness, trauma, or psychological pain. Some people find that the physical pain of self-harm helps provide temporary relief from emotional pain (extract from Self harm (lifeline.org.au)).

People who engage in self-harm will profess that they have no intention of dying and that their self-harming behaviour is a coping strategy, however, there are incidents of accidental suicide. The act of self-harm can develop into an obsessive-compulsion experience which can be very difficult to stop, like addiction, without outside intervention. This can result in feelings of hopelessness and possible suicidal thinking. Like building a tolerance to a drug, when self-injury does not relieve the tension or help control negative thoughts and feelings, the person may injure themselves more severely or may start to believe they can no longer control their pain and may consider suicide.

The following extract by Tracy Alderman Ph.D explains the physiological response to physical pain:

“Physiologically, endorphins are released when we are injured or stressed. Endorphins are neurotransmitters that act similarly to morphine and reduce the amount of pain we experience when we are hurt. Joggers often report experiencing a “runners high” when reaching a physically stressful period. This “high” is the physiological reaction to the release of endorphins – the masking of pain by a substance that mimics morphine. When people self-injure, the same process takes place. Endorphins are released which limit or block the amount of physical pain that’s experienced. Sometimes people who intentionally hurt themselves will even say that they felt a “rush” or “high” from the act. Given the role of endorphins, this makes perfect sense” (Oct 22, 2009).

Please click on the link for the full article Myths and Misconceptions of Self-Injury: Part II | Psychology Today Australia

The first step is to distinguish between self-harming and suicidal behaviour by paying attention to a person’s underlying motivation. When working with self-harming behaviour it is important to remember that this behaviour serves a purpose. In collaboration with the client, try to identify what problem self-harm solves for the client. For example, from the client’s perspective:

  • To make me feel real (counteracts dissociation)
  • To punish me (temporarily lessens guilt or shame)
  • To stop me from feeling (when strong feelings are too dangerous)
  • To mark the body (to show externally the internal scars)
  • To let something bad out (symbolic way to try to get rid of shame, pain, etc.)
  • To remember
  • To keep from hurting someone else (to control my behaviour and my anger)
  • To communicate (to let someone know how bad the pain is)
  • To express anger indirectly (to punish someone without getting them angry at me)
  • To reclaim control of the body (this time I’m in charge)
  • To feel better

Tips for helping yourself in the moment
It can be hard for people who self-harm to stop it by themselves. That’s why it’s important to get further help if needed; however, the ideas below may be helpful to start relieving some distress:

  • Intense exercise for 30 seconds, 30 second break, repeat, up to 15 minutes – Exercising intensely will help your body mitigate unpleasant energy that can sometimes be stored from strong emotions. Transfer this energy by running, walking at a fast pace, doing jumping jacks, etc. Exercise naturally releases endorphins which will help combat any negative emotions like anger, anxiety, or sadness.
  • Delay — put off self-harming behaviours until you have spoken to someone.
  • Distract — do some exercise, go for a walk, play a game, do something kind for yourself, play loud music or use positive coping strategies.
  • Deep breathing — or other relaxation methods.
  • Cool your body temperature – Cooler temperatures decrease your heart rate (which is usually faster when we are emotionally overwhelmed). You can either splash your face with cold water, take a cold (but not too cold) shower, or if the weather outside is chilly you can go outside for a walk. Another idea is to take an ice cube and hold it in your hand or rub your face with it.
  • Listen to loud music
  • Call someone you trust or one of the services available like LifeLine 13 11 14, MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78 and BeyondBlue 1300 22 4636 [see below].
  • You could write an email to yourself to express your emotions, or journal your feelings, if that’s something that might be effective for you.
  • Watch humorous Youtube clips

New, healthier coping strategies may not be as effective as the one you’re trying to replace so it may take practice. Bring lots of compassion to yourself, okay.

You may find that some of these strategies work in some situations but not others, or you may find that you need to use a combination of these. It’s important to find what works for you. Also, remember that these are not long-term solutions to self-harm but rather, useful short-term alternatives for relieving distress.

Mental health services infographic